White Flame
by Queen's Own
Summary: You're a Herald on the Border of Karse, missing your lover back home. And then you go to rescue a fellow Herald, and everything you knew gets thrown up and you're playing 52 card pickup with your life. RR please. Flames fuel your Fire of 'Cleansing!
1. Chapter One: Of Spying and Sneaking

Summary: So you're a Herald patrolling the Karsite Border. You're missing your lover back home when you get sent to rescue a fellow Herald. When you take a Karsite Sunpriest captive, the last thing you expect is to be playing 52 card pick up with your life. Companion's secrets and one long road trip await Herald Jay…

Disclaimer: Mercedes Lackey owns everything you recognize.

* * *

Chapter One: Of Spying and Sneaking

There are many myths of Heralds, charging heroically into battle upon their pristine white Companions to vanquish the foe with magic and some flashy sword tricks. The ballads and legends never mentioned the part of the job that involved crouching in the mud, cold and wet from repeated slips in that mud. It didn't help that the only cover on the entire hill was a few low, leafless shrubs, even for a short slender Herald.

:_Ah_: a wry voice commented. :_The__ joys of Karse in early spring._:

:_It__ can't be spring,_: Herald Jay said. :_That__ would imply warmth and green. All I see is cold and brown.:_ Her Companion, Kenin, let out a purely mental laugh from where she was hidden on the other side of the hill.

:_The__ sooner we get a count,_: Kenin commented idly. :_The__ sooner we get back to camp_.: Her Chosen sighed.

:_Aye__, aye, Captain,_: she said, sarcasm dripping from her mindvoice. Despite her sarcasm, she snuck to the crest of the hill and, from behind yet another leafless shrub, extended her Farsight –which was minimal and could only sharpen her eyes to magnify what she could already see- and looked at the small Karsite village.

Jay was fairly proud of her assignment. Because of her Gifts –strong Mindspeech, Farsight, and quirky Fetching that could do things like trip latches on doors- she had been stationed on the Karsite Border for the last six months, spying on small Border villages to get troop counts and signs of priestly action. Karse had been fairly quiet lately; the Tedrel Wars had _only_ been a few years ago. Still, as Weaponsmaster Alberich and Dethor before him had said a hundred times, caution always paid.

This village was nothing out of the ordinary. :_Four__ squads of Sunsguard,_: she informed her Companion dutifully. :_A__ captain –pretty awful looking if you ask me- who's old enough not to be green, and a Sunpriest._:

:_Sunpriest_: Kenin asked.

:_He's__ young,_: Jay told her, sharpening her Sight to get a better look at the black robed figure standing with the captain in the village square. They were reviewing the troops from the look of it, making it all the more convenient for her. :_He__ doesn't look more than 3 years older than me- 24 at most. Typical Karsite features. Wouldn't stand out in a crowd there.:_

:_Any__ Fires?_: Kenin asked.

:_Hang__ on,_: Jay said. Staying low, she began to circle the village, to ensure she wasn't missing anything. As she slipped again and again in the mud, she heaved a purely mental sigh. It was going to be a long day.

It was nearing sundown when they had finally finished. Unfortunately, she was across the village from Kenin. :_Wait__ before you come around,_: Kenin said. :_I'm__ going to pass the information to Mores._:

:_Not__ Rolan?_: Jay asked, confused momentarily. Then she remembered. :_Oh_: Rolan had left on Search three days ago. :_I__ guess I'm a bit out of touch out here,_: she said guiltily.

Kenin sent a smile before disengaging gently from her mind to send their information to Mores, the Companion whose Herald commanded the Guard outpost they were camped with. Jay found a relatively dry patch of dirt and sat, leaning against yet another leafless shrub and wrapping her arms around her knees. The first time it had happened, she assumed she'd get used to it. Yet the Gods only know how many villages later, she still felt horribly vulnerable whenever Kenin left her mind. She knew that all she would have to do was send out a mental 'scream' but that didn't shake the fact that she was sitting on a hillside above a populated village on the wrong side of the Karsite Border.

She smoothed earlobe-length hair nervously away from her face. _I need to cut it,_ she thought absently. It was getting in her eyes. Sighing, she rested her chin on her knees. _At least I'm not wearing Whites,_ she thought, not for the first time. She instead was dressed in a worn shirt and breeches. With her normally brown hair dyed black, her skin darkened slightly with make-up and her breasts bound, she would –at a passing glance- pass for just another young Karsite boy. And as she didn't expect to let anyone close enough for more than simply a glance, she should feel disguised. Yet, she didn't.

A wave of relief greeted Kenin's greeting several moments later. :_Sorry__ to be gone so long,_: Kenin said.

:_It's__ alright,_: Jay said. :_It's__ just stupid nerves._:

:_They're__ not stupid,_: Kenin scolded slightly. :_You're__ a Herald in Karse. I'm surprised we're not shaking in terror.:_ Jay sent back a mental laugh.

:_Well__ you won't be shaking much longer. I'm on my way:_ she said, standing and brushing off her clothes. Carefully, she began to make her way around the outskirts of the village. The mud was a little less slippery now, as it had been in the sun –albeit not warm sun- all day. The sun was hovering on the edge of the horizon as she neared the place where Kenin was.

:_I'm__ moments from you,_: she said. :_Be__ there-_: Her mindvoice broke off as she looked up towards her Companion's hiding place.

Standing between her and Kenin was a figure in black robes. Jay froze, brown eyes growing even larger in her face. And then the Sunpriest –for it must have been a Sunpriest- turned and looked straight at her.

Time froze for an instant. Then Jay was in motion, pulling a dagger from its wrist sheath and calling Kenin.

:_What__ do I do?_: she asked, panic kept clearly to the edges.

:_Don't__ kill him,_: was Kenin's immediate response. :_Not__ if you can help it. I would like to –bastards, all of them- but we do need to come back and it wouldn't help if they tighten security- or worse decide to retaliate.:_ Jay swallowed. The prospects of such retaliation weren't good. Their Guard outpost outmatched these four squads, but if they called for help- no better not to chance it.

:_Hopefully__ he'll think I'm out catching game,_: Jay said. She slid the dagger back into its sheath, though ready to drop directly into her hand.

She met the Sunpriest's eyes, already thinking of a lie –she was a bastard, the product of a Valdemarean soldiers rape if he asked, checking traps, hunting game, gathering plants-

He had his mouth open, no doubt to challenge her-

But then, somehow, their eyes met and locked. And then she was drowning those twin pools of deep amber- and somehow, that wasn't a bad thing-

:_Chosen_: Kenin's mindvoice broke in sharply. :_What__-_:

The spell of those eyes broken, Jay turned away. The Sunpriest was still stunned- apparently he'd experienced something similar. Though the tug of her duty and of her waiting Companion pulled strongly, she couldn't bring herself to run like she should.

"Sunpriest Malkum!" a harsh voice called. "We need you for Sundown services." The Sunpriest looked from Jay to the village, then back.

She bowed slightly. "Go, I need to," she said, praying she wouldn't stumble over the awkward Karsite. "Check snares, I must." His eyes were confused, as he waved her away.

"With Vkandis' blessing go," he said, dazed. With that dismissal, Jay turned and ran. She sprinted as fast as she could, until she reached Kenin. Once there, she vaulted easily onto the Companion's bare back and grabbed a double fistful of mane as the Companion lurched into a ground-devouring gallop. It wasn't until they were safely within Valdemar's borders that Kenin halted.

:_What__ happened there?_: she demanded. :_What__ were you thinking Chosen?_:

:_I__ don't know,_: Jay confessed. :_It__ was so-_:

:_You__ were foolish,_: Kenin said curtly. :_I__ don't care what it was- you don't stare into the enemy's eyes, Jay!_:

:_I__ know,_: Jay said, feeling an embarrassed flush creep the freckles liberally sprinkling her nose and cheeks. Suddenly, the Sunpriest's last words hit her, and she doubled over laughing. :_He__ wished me Vkandis' blessing!_: Tears made tracks in her face paint as she laughed. Kenin unbent enough to send a tiny tendril of humor.

Tension partially dissolved, Kenin picked up a lope to get them back to their camp. Even at her pace, though, the sun was all the way down before they reached the place that had been 'home' for the last months.

Jay hailed all the guards by name- there were Mo, Eva, Jakson, Drake, Sera and Persi guarding tonight- before sliding off Kenin's back inside the camp. She gave the Companion a good grooming, and it wasn't until Kenin scolded her for stalling that she put the grooming box away and went to report to Vena –Mores' Chosen and her commander.

Vena insisted on thorough reports and it was a candlemark before an exhausted Jay could go get food and clean up. Later, stomach full and smelling faintly of the peppermint used to scent the soap she'd used, Jay curled up under a blanket in her tent. As soon as her eyes closed, her mind went straight to the Sunpriest. Those dark eyes seemed tattoed to the inside of her eyelids, and one question was branded in her brain.

_What exactly _did_ happen back there?..._

* * *

Queen's Own: So how do you all like the repost? I know it's still really short, but it's more than double the length of what I wrote last time, and I don't want to combine chapters or go too far beyond what the first set said. I hope you appreciate this- I know I prefer it vastly to what I spit out last time. Until next chapter! 


	2. Chapter Two: Of Rescues and Reunions

The next of the edited chapters! A huge improvement yet again if I do say so myself.

* * *

Chapter Two: Of Rescues and Reunions

A week later, Jay was yet again crouching on the ground outside a Karsite village. The onset of spring had been fickle this year, with warm weather one day, and blizzards the next. The week had been a particularly warm one, but with lots of rain. Unfortunately, the day before the temperature had plunged and the ground had gone from muddy to frozen. Her shins and knees ached from the number of times she had slipped and fallen on the icy ground.

To make everything worse, it was early morning and she was cold and grumpy. She had been up late last night, getting counts on a particularly stubborn group of soldiers who wouldn't have the common courtesy to all be in the same place at the same time. It had been past midnight by the time she'd finally gotten to her bed. Four candlemarks later, she had been rousted out of her warm bed by Kenin to pull on clothes, stumble out into the cold and ride bareback for three candlemarks. It was only supposed to be a two candlemark ride at most, but the ice had prevented Kenin from going her usual pace. The sun had been up by the time they'd reached this village. And now she was crouching, cold, hungry and irritable, behind what Kenin _insisted_ was a tree but really looked like no more than a stick planted in the ground.

:_I__ haven't eaten in more than three candlemarks!_: she complained. :_And__ all I ate this morning was a roll with sausage and a cup of hot tea._:

:_May__ I remind you who it was doing all the running?_: the Companion asked. It was evident by her tone that Jay was not the only one who wasn't a morning person.

:_It's__ not like I just sit there,_: she retorted. :_And__ besides, you aren't the cold one. _I_ forgot my jacket.:_

:_The__ sooner you get numbers,_: Kenin said. :_The__ sooner we can embark on our quest back to warmth. So get those damn numbers! Otherwise you'll have to defrost __me_: Jay sent the mental equivalent of sticking out her tongue before breaking the link.

Things were starting to look up a candlemark later. But, that was when light flurries of snow started falling- and the temperature dropped.

:_Gods__ all bless it!_: she shrieked at Kenin. :_Someone__ up there _hates_ me!_:

:_Somehow__, I doubt it,_: Kenin said. :_I'm__ as cold as you are. And everyone knows Companions are supremely wise and godly beings.:_ Jay replied with several rude words regarding just how wise and blessed her Companion was. :_Rude_ _I'm not talking to you anymore until you get numbers.:_ Jay sighed heavily. It was going to be a long day.

It was a candlemark before she heard from Kenin again. :_Chosen_:

:_I__ thought you weren't talking to me,_: Jay said irritably. :_I__ haven't gotten any numbers yet._:

:_Oh__ damn the numbers,_: Kenin said rudely. :_Do__ you know Herald __Myra_: Jay thought for a moment. Myra had been several years ahead of her at the Collegium, her lifemate Evas several years ahead of her. Myra was stationed with the Guard somewhere along the Border, but Jay hadn't talked to her much ever.

:_Yes__…Vaguely,_: Jay said slowly. :_Why_: A cold chill settled in the bottom of her stomach.

:_Apparently__ she was captured by the Karsites less than a week ago,_: Kenin said quickly. :_Evas__ has been frantic as has Abrem –her Companion. They haven't been able to get anywhere near her until now. We're the closest to her. Abrem will meet us to try to cut her loose before they move inland and- We've got to go now.:_ Jay was already running.

Kenin met her halfway, and she vaulted onto the Companion's back. Ignoring the flurries of snow, and the frozen ground, Kenin took off. Jay flattened herself on the Companion's back as she galloped.

It took them half a candlemark to meet up with Abrem. Several minutes later, Jay found them on the top of a familiar ridge, cloaked by the snow. It was the village where she'd met that Sunpriest- but she didn't think about it long before Kenin plunged down the slope, following the stallion.

The scene at the bottom of the hill was fairly typical of the Karsite Border. A tall, thin woman in Whites was standing on a platform in the middle of the town, tied to a pole. There was –thank the Gods- no wood piled around the bottom. A Sunpriest stood next to her, speaking quickly. The soldiers and townsfolk stood around him, watching.

The Sunpriest was the first to see them emerge from the snow. His voice broke off as his eyes widened. One by one, the people around him turned. Chaos erupted, as they sighted the two Companions charging through the snow. :_Quite__ a dramatic entrance, if I do say so myself,_: Kenin commented.

Calls of "White Demons!" "Demon Rider!" and "Hellhorses!" heralded their arrival. Kenin and Abrem caused a considerable amount of havoc, as the mostly unarmed soldiers ran for weapons, the townsfolk rushed for shelter, and the captain and the Sunpriest called for what Jay assumed was order. Herald Myra looked up at them, tired eyes showing glimmerings of joy.

In the midst of the melee, Jay had slipped off Kenin's back. She used her previously gained knowledge of the village to sneak around behind the platform. Sword drawn, and daggers loosened in their sheaths, she hoisted herself silently onto the platform. No one saw her as she drew closer and closer to her target. Her Companion worried, but didn't dare send a mental note of caution for fear of causing her to shift her weight wrong and alert her quary.

The Sunpriest began to turn. Before he could react, Jay grabbed his arms and wrenched them upwards, something she knew from experience was very painful. With a gasp of pain, he dropped to his knees. Jay laid her sword across his throat. "Don't move," she hissed in badly accented Karsite. "Or I slit your throat."

A deadly quiet spread over the scene, as the soldiers saw their priest held. "The Herald, release," Jay ordered. "Move nobody." The soldiers shifted uncertainly, looking for orders. They wouldn't be getting them- Jay caught sight of the captain's sightless eyes from where he lay. Finally, one young man came nervously up behind Myra and cut the cords binding her to the pole. Abrem came right up to her, and she slid onto his back. Jay noted with relief that though she favored her right leg, and wasn't moving her right shoulder much, she seemed all right.

:_Kenin_: Jay said, keeping a careful eye on the scene. :_Come__ over here. I'm going to see if we can't get Haven a Sunpriest.:_ Kenin returned with agreement, followed by caution and worry.

With a bit of mental strain, Jay Fetched the dagger from his waist. Thankfully it was light- probably mostly ornamental. "Stand," she ordered. The Sunpriest complied.

"If kill me you will," he muttered. "Quickly, do it."

"Death's too quick," Jay muttered in Valdemarean. In Karsite, she replied, "Ride my horse you will. Quickly we go." Fear was becoming evident in the Sunpriest's posture as he swung one leg over Kenin's back, having no choice but to comply. The soldiers watched helplessly as Jay mounted up behind him, not daring to venture closer due to the Companion's murderous hooves and the sword still across their priest's throat.

Jay sheathed her sword quickly as the two Companions took off galloping. They were out of sight of the village within moments. Her breathing eased as they got further and further away.

:_Kenin_: she asked. :_Is__Myra__ okay?_:

:_Her__ ankle's sprained, she thinks,_: the Companion replied. :_And__ her shoulder's badly bruised. But except for an assortment of minor bruises, there's nothing else.:_ Jay breathed a sigh of relief. Karsites were not known for their hospitality.

"Your name?" she asked the Sunpriest.

"Malkum," he said tersely. Jay started. He twisted slightly in the saddle to face her. Meeting her eyes, he inhaled sharply in surprise. "Seen you before, I have. On the hill-"

"Yes," she said, without elaboration. Those dark eyes still threatened to drown her in their depths. She turned her face away quickly and he turned back around to face front.

:_Chosen__-_: Kenin warned sharply.

:_I'm__ fine,_: Jay reassured her.

:_Tell__ him to stop squeezing with his legs,_: the Companion said. :_It__ hurts._: Jay relayed the request.

"Talk- it does?" Malkum said in surprise.

"A lot," Jay said wryly. "My head inside. Called Mindspeech." Malkum hesitated.

"Going where, are we?" he asked fearfully.

"Camp," Jay said shortly. She saw him swallow, and felt a pang of pity.

:_Don't__ forget what __Myra__ looks like,_: Kenin said with a bit of heat. :_Don't__ forget what priests like him have done to your fellow Heralds._: Jay bit back the protest that he was different. He wasn't really- or if he was, she had no way of knowing or proving it.

"A name, do you have?" he asked, after several long moments of watching the countryside fly by.

"Jay," she said. "Herald Jay. This is Kenin." She gestured to the Companion. Not surprisingly, Malkum ignored this piece of information.

For the rest of the ride, Malkum stared deliberately at the snow being kicked up by Kenin's hooves. Jay stared at her hands, gripping his wrists loosely incase he should try to jump free.

But as they passed the lightning struck tree that for her was the landmark for the Border, Jay caught sight of his profile as he turned to look behind them. Pure, unadulterated fear flashed across it, before disappearing from her gaze. Something tugged at her heartstrings when she saw it. That moment of empathy shook her to the core.

_Why am I thinking like this?_ she wondered. _About a- Sunpriest?_

* * *

Queen's Own: Too short, I know! But like I said last time, it's an improvement by twice over last time, _and_ I'm still not combining chapters. So I'm pretty proud of myself. Review my dears! What wonderful motivators those things are. 


	3. Chapter Three: Of Lifebonds and Learning

Queen's Own: Yet another edited chapter! This is the first one in which I have actually changed the storyline, as I felt that the first version was horrible, unrealistic and OOC.

A couple people asked what Jay was doing. She was spying on Karsite Border villages, counting troops, and sort of getting the lay of the land. She was chosen for this task because of her Gifts (quirky Fetching and Farsight and powerful Mindspeech). She wears peasant's clothes so that if anyone sees her, she won't be recognized as Valdemarean. She doesn't need to get anywhere near the villages, and if anyone sees her, they probably won't see her face. If they do get close enough, her makeup and hair dye should be sufficient to convince anyone that she's the product of a Valdemarean soldier's rape, something Karsites would believe all too easily.

* * *

Chapter Three: Of Lifebonds and Learning

Kenin and Abrem slowed their pace slightly once they were well inside Valdemar's borders. There was no sense risking their necks in a headlong dash over icy ground with all sorts of hidden snags under the snow. The Karsites wouldn't mount a rescue attempt for quite some time, with no leaders to turn to, and Malkum had nowhere to run.

Myra and Abrem left them about a candlemark after they entered Valdemar. Both thanked Jay and Kenin profusely and shot glares at Malkum before turning away. They were headed for the camp where Myra had been stationed with the Guard- they had a perfectly good Healer there and Myra was needed at her assigned post.

Before they reached camp, Kenin halted. Jay pulled Malkum's hands behind his back, and put her hand on his shoulder. It was mostly for show- Kenin wouldn't let him get away. But what's the use of an important prisoner if you don't make an impressive entrance?

"I swear," Jay said quietly into his ear. "Be harmed you won't if nothing you attempt." Malkum just swallowed hard. His face was pale, and every muscle in his body was tensed. Jay felt a pang of sympathy for him, so scared and alone-

She shook her head to clear it. Kenin picked up a parade trot. :_Show__ off,_: Jay teased. But her heart really wasn't in the teasing. Kenin didn't reply. Jay tore her gaze away from Malkum's pale hands, and her hand on his wrist to look over Malkum's shoulder at the camp.

When she spotted the place where she knew the first scout lurked, she whistled the chorus of _My Lady's Eyes_ loudly. Malkum jumped. After a short pause, a howl answered. The sound was accompanied by a short boy, probably below minimum recruitment age for the Guard, named Mo. He had run away from a nearby farm or Hold- nobody had gotten a straight answer out of him. One hand brushed brown hair out of his eyes as they widened in shock.

The sight of a 'Karsite peasant' and a Sunpriest of Vkandis seated on the bare back of a Companion was a contradictory sight, and even with the prior warning of who it was, Mo's surprise was evident. As Jay opened her mouth to greet him, he threw back his head and let out his trademark howl.

"What kind of greeting is this?" Jay asked, smiling slightly. If there was a worried edge to the smile- well no one would notice.

"Beggin' yer pardon Lady 'Erald," the scout said. "But iff'n yer plannin' t' be bringin' that-" He shot a disdainful glare at Malkum. "-int' th' camp, Venna 'n' Rissa will be wantin' t' know."

"No harm done," Jay said, sighing. Kenin flicked an ear back at her.

:_You__ knew they'd make a big deal out of this,_: Kenin said mildly. :_And__ with reason._:

:_Yes__, but-_: Jay sighed. :_I__ don't like making a big deal-_: She broke off as they broke through the trees and walked into the camp.

Their welcoming party was a large one. First and foremost, was the senior Herald of the camp and Jay's commander, Herald Venna. Her Whites were slightly askew, and she had a naked sword in one hand. The other hand rested on the shoulder of a large Companion stallion. Mores was more heavily built than Kenin, and much more imposing than the delicate-looking mare –who was not in any way fragile. Just behind that pair was the camp's Healer, Rissa. She was covered in dirt, and something that looked suspiciously like blood- Jay hoped no one was seriously hurt. One hand fingered her nose as she looked from her lover to Jay and back again. The rest of the soldiers at the camp were behind them, out of rank and disorganized.

Upon seeing Jay, many of the eyes narrowed. At the sight of Malkum, several hands went directly to sword hilts. But Venna lowered her blade.

"Jay!" she said incredulously. "What happened- Who's-?"

"Herald Venna and Companion Mores," Jay said, nodding. "Healer Rissa. Allow me to introduce Sunpriest Malkum-" Her voice broke off as the Sunpriest chose that moment to lose consciousness.

Jay caught him before he slid to the ground, but it was a near thing, and she was perilously close to losing balance herself. She was rather relieved when several soldiers moved forward and she was able to lower the unconscious priest down to them. As soon as they had carried him safely out of reach, she slid off Kenin's back herself, legs protesting slightly as she hit the ground. She winced.

:_I__ thought I was in shape!_: she complained.

:_You__ are,_: Kenin comforted her. :_It__ was a long ride over difficult terrain- and you were bareback._: Jay still grimaced.

Venna left her no time to reply, however. "You three," she ordered, motioning to the soldiers holding Malkum. "Take him to a tent- set an empty one up in the center of the camp. Then take an informal watch outside. I'll set up a formal watch schedule later." Turning, she motioned for Jay to follow her. Once inside her tent, she lost no time in demanding a report. Jay quickly related the day's events, from the time she had left camp that morning. Venna looked mildly impressed by the time she was done.

"Nice work," she said briskly. "Mores is going to relay that information to Kantor as quickly as he can. You are excused."

Jay left quickly. _Finally,_ she thought with relief. _I can take a bath!_ Kenin just laughed.

:_First__ I'll give you a good grooming though,_: Jay promised. :_You__ deserve it._:

When the Companion was sparkling white, she nuzzled her Chosen. :_Good__ work,_: she said, voice filled with pride. Jay patted her absently. The words were an uncomfortable reminder of the uncertainty she still felt. An image of Malkum's terrified face seemed branded to the inside of her head. :_Chosen_: Kenin asked. :_Are__ you okay?_:

:_Am__ I?_: Jay asked absently, stowing her gear. :_I'm__ not sure._:

:_Go__ take a bath,_: Kenin urged, trotting off into the woods. :_You're__ tired._: Jay sighed.

_If only I knew that was the problem…_

* * *

Malkum paced his tent nervously. He'd measured it out- ten paces long, five wide. His nerves were wound to their tightest, and he could feel the beginning of a headache setting in.

It was a standard army issue tent. The soldiers had brought in a bedroll shortly after he'd regained consciousness, and left silently, giving him looks all the while. He'd laughed bitterly- they were as afraid of him as he was of them.

His panic subsided after a while, as his initial fear faded and gave him room to think. _If they'd intended to kill me now,_ he reasoned. _They wouldn't have set up a tent. _The realization that he at least had time had calmed the unreasonable panic that had been starting to build.

With the absence of panic though, his mind had free rein to return to another topic. The image of the Demon Rider called Jay imposed itself in his brain, and as much as he tried, he could not make it leave. _I don't trust her,_ he thought in frustration. _She's my enemy- so why can't I get her out of my head?_ Those brown eyes swam into his vision, presenting him with an answer.

He collapsed in frustration, a mental tirade screaming inside his head. Most of the vocabulary used was less than holy, but he was beyond caring at that point.

:_Feeling__ sorry for yourself?_: a sarcastic voice inquired. Malkum's head jerked up at the voice that didn't pass through his ears. His eyes widened in shock and disbelief at what was sitting just inside the tent flap.

_But they haven't been seen in- generations!_ His mind protested the very idea, while his eyes refused to repudiate what was before them and his faith demanded that he drop to his knees. Sitting inside his tent, was a cat. But to call it a cat would be to call a White Demon a horse. It's size alone would give it away- no cat was that big. Besides, any Karsite worthy of the name and quite a few other worshippers of Vkandis would have recognized the brick colored markings on its face and legs. For anyone who still doubted, large blue eyes would soon set them straight. No, this was no cat.

"A Firecat you cannot be!" Malkum blurted, voice hushed so no one outside could hear. He couldn't wrap his mind around the fact that an Avatar of Vkandis was sitting inside _his_ tent in the middle of a Valdemarean army camp. "Impossible-"

:_My__ name's Dena,_: the Firecat interrupted. :_And__ if it's impossible, why am I standing here?_: Malkum's jaw seemed to have fixed itself to the floor.

Just then, a familiar voice came from outside the tent. "Sunpriest Malkum?"

It took a few tries to get his voice to work again. "Come in." Jay stepped into his tent, closing the tent flap behind her. She looked completely different. Her wet hair was now light brown, though a few strands remained stubbornly black. A smattering of freckles was now visible, thanks to the fact that her skin had lightened several shades. The smell of mint filled his nostrils. She was dressed in white from head to toe, a uniform that made him instinctively draw back.

"Hello," he said uncertainly.

"Hello," she replied, sounding almost shy. To Malkum's shock, Dena began twining around her legs, purring. Combined with the look he shot at Malkum, it was a clear gesture of approval. Jay bent down and picked him up easily. "I love cats," she admitted quietly in her horribly accented Karsite. "And he's a gorgeous one." She scratched him under the chin, and behind his ears before releasing him to jump to the ground. As he landed, Malkum caught the fleeting double image of a small white cat, one that would not be looked at askance as a mouser in Karse. He realized that Dena didn't want Jay knowing what he really was.

:_Clever__ Sunpriest,_: the Firecat commented as he trotted out of the tent. :_Not__ yet anyway. She's wonderful, your Herald. Talented hands.:_ Malkum got a distinct feeling of amusement with that comment, that he ignored. Instead, he turned his attention back to Jay.

She looked slightly uncomfortable. "May I sit?" she asked finally. He winced at her accent. It was bad enough to have a similar effect on a cow. She saw his wince and laughed. "Apologize for my bad Karsite," she said. "Very little have I learned."

"Sit," Malkum invited, gesturing to the floor. Jay sat, crossing her legs. After a moment of hesitation, Malkum sat as well.

"We never got properly introduced," Jay said. "I'm Herald Jay and my Companion is Kenin. You know that already though."

"Sunpriest Malkum," he replied. After a moment, he continued. "A question I have. How can Karsite you speak?" Jay shrugged.

"A little I learned at the Collegium, before I became a Herald," she said. "Kenin's prompting me with the rest. How she knows is a mystery." She shrugged easily. A realization hit Malkum that sent a shiver up his spine. She was telling him this because she didn't expect him to be able to bring the information back to his people. Jay apparently didn't notice.

Her brow was furrowed with concentration, her eyes unfocused slightly. :_She's__ talking to Kenin,_: Dena supplied. Malkum jumped at the unfamiliar feeling of a voice in his head. :_I__ gather they're having an argument._:

"Malkum," Jay said quietly. He almost missed her murmur, so quiet it was.

"Yes?" he asked, equally soft.

"Tell you this-" She hesitated, biting her lips as she searched for the words. "Should not. Kenin- not want. I- blocked her from mind." Malkum waited as she scrambled for the unfamiliar words. "To Haven, you will go. Take you- I will, I think. I-" She jumped as they both heard the mindvoice.

:_Jay__ don't go against Kenin,_: Dena said. Jay rose to her feet, a dagger in one hand.

"Who are you?" she demanded, challenging.

:_A__ friend,_: Dena said. :_Kenin__ knows me from a long time ago._:

"But you can't be another Companion," she said, brushing hair from her eyes.

:_Not__ a Companion, no,_: the Firecat agreed. :_But__ like. And it doesn't matter. Listen, Jay, don't make Kenin-_: Jay winced visibly as Kenin broke through her shields.

:_Chosen_: Her mindvoice was ablaze with confusion, worry and anger. :_What__ were you doing?_: Jay shook her head and sighed.

:_Nothing__, Kenin,_: she said. :_Nothing_: The Companion held back the accusations she wanted to throw at her Chosen.

:_Jay_: Dena said. Somehow she knew that the Firecat was speaking to her and her alone. :_Jay__, there's something you have to know. Normally, I wouldn't tell you this, but-_: Suddenly, Kenin was rudely shoved from her mind.

:_What__ in the seven hells-_: Jay demanded in fury. Her head ached from the pressure of two minds warring to push the other out.

:_YouandMalkumarelifebonded_: The information hit her all at once, like a bolt of lightning. Kenin broke back into her mind, and suddenly, her head ached so fiercely she couldn't stay on her feet any longer.

She was only dimly aware of dropping to her knees, her head in both hands. Kenin's worry was at the edge of her awareness, as was Malkum's worry as he started forward to catch her. The worry of that other Voice was also dimly in her mind. But she didn't care. The only thing she was aware of, besides the pounding of her head, were those words. She was lifebonded, not to Fas her longtime lover, but to a Karsite Sunpriest.

And blessed blackness claimed her before she could dwell too long on that.

* * *

She regained consciousness in Rissa's tent. The woman's auburn hair was tickling her nose as the Healer hovered over her. "Rissa," she said. "I'm okay." The worry in the Healer's green eyes lessened slightly when it was obvious Jay was awake.

"You're alright," she said with obvious relief, straightening. "I was worried- Kenin didn't know why you were out." She handed Jay a mug that she recognized with relief as tea for headaches. "Drink." Jay gulped it down quickly, grimacing at the taste. "Can you stand?" Jay clambered to her feet, slightly unsteady.

"Mostly," she said.

"Good. Venna wants you at her tent." Jay nodded. Yelling a thank you over her shoulder, she walked to Venna's tent.

:_Chosen_: Kenin's tone brooked no argument. :_What__ happened?_:

:_I__ don't know,_: Jay said honestly. :_Someone__ started Mindspeaking me –I have no idea who. You were both trying to push the other out, and I think the strain caused me to faint.:_ _Not to mention that I just found out I'm lifebonded to a bloody Sunpriest!_ She purposefully left that part out of what she told Kenin. The Companion would not be happy with that piece of information.

:_Come__ see me after Venna's done with you,_: Kenin urged.

:_Promise_: Jay slipped into Venna's tent. The older Herald looked up.

"Jay. Have a seat." She motioned to the tent. Jay took a seat on a folding camp stool across the table from Venna. "How are you?"

"I'm all right," Jay lied. "Bit of a headache but not too bad."

"Good." Venna continued to write as she spoke to Jay. "You're the only one I can spare for this."

"For what?" Jay asked.

Venna looked up. "To escort that Sunpriest to Haven. Not surprisingly, Alberich, Her Majesty and probably Rolan's Chosen when they return, want to –ah- question him."

"You mean torture him," Jay said, a hint of venom in her voice. Venna shrugged and returned to writing.

"Either," she said, showing little worry one way or the other. "Kenin will be required to remain in contact with Mores, Caryo and Kantor in case something should go wrong. You two should take back roads, and make for Haven as quickly as you possibly can." She continued talking about the assignment, as Jay half listened. The other half was debating whether to be dismayed or overjoyed at the prospect of spending two weeks (or possibly more) alone with only Malkum and Kenin.

When Venna dismissed her, her legs took her to Kenin without breaking her from her internal conflict. The Companion met her at the outskirts of the camp and the two just walked silently into the woods.

:_Why__ did you shield against me?_: Kenin asked finally. Jay looked at her in surprise.

"I-"

:_Don't__ lie to me. I know you shielded against __me_: The sadness into those sapphire eyes hardened into anger. :_You__ were going to tell him what was going to happen to him, weren't you? Why do you feel more loyalty to a _Sunpriest _than to Valdemar- to your Companion:_

Jay snapped. "Why are you accusing me?" she said, taking care to keep her voice down. "You don't know _anything_! You don't know anything about Malkum and you don't know anything about my _loyalty_ to him." Kenin glared at her.

:_Oh__, so you admit it?_: Kenin said coldly. :_You__ admit being loyal to one of _them: Jay felt tears gather in her eyes.

"It's not my fault what strange voices in my head tell me!" she snapped.

:_Oh__ so now they're imparting valuable information,_: Kenin said caustically.

:_Quite__ so, Hooved Sister._: Herald and Companion spun around to face a large cat: Dena.

"It's you! You're the one who-" Jay stopped. "What _are_ you?"

:_I'm__ a Firecat, an Avatar of Vkandis. I'm a bit like Kenin there, though she'd rather not admit it. She doesn't like to think about Karse, do you Kenaen:_ If Companions could pale, Kenin would be whiter than a sheet.

:_How__- What- Who-_:

:_Later_: the cat said lazily. He fixed Jay with a blue eye. :_She__ doesn't know what I told you earlier._: Jay hoped this was in Private-mode. :_I'd__ suggest you keep it that way for a while. She's had enough surprises for one day.:_ Kenin looked from one to the other, eyes wide with fear. Without warning, she turned and galloped away. Jay watched her go, looking lost.

"Why'd she run?" she asked softly.

:_She'll__ tell you in time._: Dena rubbed against her leg comfortingly. But all Jay could do was stare blankly after her best friend who had just run from her.

To avoid thinking about what had happened, she returned to her tent. There, alone beneath the canvas, she cried, stifling her sobs so no one would hear. When Kenin never spoke to her, to apologize, ask if she was okay or even to yell at her, Jay fell into an exhausted sleep.

_

* * *

Jay looked around and started at the sight that met her eyes. Only she wasn't in control of her body. She was, she saw, a young girl of about nine or ten. Surrounding her was a Karsite village, much like those she had been spying on these past months. She was hidden at the back of a crowd, watching a Sunpriest speak._

_"Heretics!" he yelled, in Karsite that she realized she could understand. "The village, we must cleanse!" A shiver crept down her spine as she heard his hateful thoughts, his angry mind raging along with his words. And beneath it all, the worse, were those cold and calculating thoughts. She had demon powers. And she was afraid._

_The villagers were only a confused babble of fear and apprehension. Silently, she crept away, unnoticed, to find a horse. _I have to get out of here,_ the little girl told herself. _Otherwise-_ Jay swallowed back tears looking at the girl's memories of other children burned at stake by Vkandis' will. _

_A touch on her shoulder made her jump and almost drop__ the saddle she held. She spun around, but laughed nervously upon seeing who her intruder was. "Just a horse," she said. "Sad sight when afraid of you I am." _

_She met his eyes, and then she did drop the saddle. For they were sapphire eyes, and they held her in their warmth. She flung her arms around his neck, feeling safer than she had since discovering her demon powers._

:I am Tilar: the horse said. :And I Choose you, sister of my heart. Come quickly, we must leave.: _As though in a daze, she climbed into his saddle. She knew he was a Demon Horse, but some how, she couldn't bring herself to care. She had demon powers- they were a match. And oh that love- she couldn't refuse him. _

_He snuck out of the village with a skill she wouldn't have expected in a horse that big. Once clear, he picked up a gallop, the fastest of any horse she'd ever ridden or seen. She clung on as he galloped away from the only life she'd ever known. And she didn't care._

Jay woke, startled to see daylight outside the tent. _Strange dream,_ she thought. And yet- it had a different feel than a dream. More real somehow.

:_Kenin_: she asked, Sending an image of the dream. Kenin didn't reply, but Jay felt a trace of sorrow that the Companion couldn't block. :_Kenin_: she persisted. :_I__ know you're angry with me, but-_:

:_Nothing_: Kenin said, almost angry. :_It__ was nothing._: But it all too clearly wasn't nothing.

* * *

Queen's Own: Review my luvs! Tell me what you thought. Again, almost doubled the length of this chapter, _and_ improved the plot. I'm very pleased with myself. But that doesn't mean anything unless I hear something from you! 


	4. Chapter Four: Rifts

Yeah! Reviewer responses!!

etcetera-cat: Yeah! You guessed! Venna and Jay are kind of overreacting to the whole helping Malkum to escape idea, but then again, you can't blame them; isn't every day a Herald tries to commit treason. 

mysticmoods: Well, Venna and Jay were kind of overreacting and scared that Kenin would repudiate her. It probably wouldn't have happened, but hey, they were scared. 

hawk: um, I think it could have been either one, but thanks!! 

For all of you who said Jay and Malkum shouldn't have lifebonded so quickly, what about Selenay and Daren? Lifebonded right there on the battlefield. Most lifebonds don't form that quickly, but some do. 

wizard116: all shall be explained in this chap.

arrowblade, caoilte, and The Chaotic Ones, thanks ever so much for reviewing!!! 

Sorry I've been so long updating; been busy with school –why is everything always due at the same time?!- and other ficcies (read Flawed Gems- its better now, I swear!). But here's your next chappie. Hope you like!!

Chapter Four: We're on the Road 

Three days later, a silent party began their journey to Haven. They were a strange group indeed. A Sunpriest rode behind a Herald of Valdemar on a Companion's back. A white cat perched behind the Sunpriest, claws dug into the Companion's saddlepad to keep from falling. An acute observer would have noticed small symbols of the tension that hung around the group; the way the Herald's hands were white knuckled from clinging to the pommel, how the Sunpriest tried to avoid even the most casual contact with the Herald –hard to do when you're riding two to the same horse-, how the Companion was tense with eyes as hard as sapphires, how the cat was smirking. 

Kenin still wasn't speaking to Jay. Jay was therefore either on the edge of tears or seething with rage. Malkum was too scared to talk –being well within the borders of your country's ancient enemy did that to you- and Dena was being his aloof self and not telling anyone anything. Tension hung over the group as they rode along in silence –the uncomfortable kind of silence, not the companionable type. 

:_You know,_: Dena commented sarcastically when they'd been traveling for about a candlemark. :_Some of us would be a lot happier if Kenaen there would just slow down!_: The Companion snorted. Jay furrowed her brow in puzzlement. 

:_I'll slow down when I want to,_: Kenin snapped. :_I don't make it a habit to listen to annoying, priggish cats!_: 

"Kenin!" Jay yelled. "Don't insult Dena when you are being an equally priggish horse!" She grabbed the reins of the hackamore and jerked Kenin's head up. Kenin, surprised, didn't react until her head was in the air. She would have reared were it not for the weight on her back. As it was, she kicked slightly. "Now you listen to me, you prat of a pony! I am not a stupid girl, I am not lovesick. I am making clear decisions with a brain. And may I remind you, you got me into this mess in the first place by Choosing me! We're going to be together until we die, so you'd sure as hell better start talking to be again, or you're going to have a very long life, not talking to your Chosen." Kenin stamped in irritation, a mood that was not helped by Dena's approving words, describing Kenin in a fashion that was not at all flattering. Jay snorted with laughter. 

:_I can quickly remedy the situation of your being my __Chosen__,_: Kenin said angrily. :_I should have never Chosen you, you stupid girl. You committed treason, you consort now with a Firecat and a Sunpriest as though they were of us- You are a traitor, Jay. You shouldn't be a Herald. I don't know why I Chose you, but it was a mistake._: 

"Fine," Jay hissed. "But I always thought you had to be a dog to be an evil bitch." Kenin's fury was apparent to the least observant of viewers now. 

:_And I never thought I'd see the day when a Herald would get along better than a Firecat from Karse_: -she spat the word as though it were something filthy. :_Than her own Companion._:

:_I beg to differ,_: Dena said placidly. Kenin rounded on him.

:_You are not helpful, you interfering, meddling, mangy, flea ridden feline! Butting in here like you know everything- well you know nothing. If you wanted to be omnipotent, you should have been here when the war started!_: Dena's eyes showed a flash of sorrow.

:_I tried to, Kenaen. I tried._: His mindvoice was heavy with guilt. :_You have no idea._:

:_Oh I think I do,_: she retorted. :_Should I bow now, o' Son?_: Sarcasm tinged her voice an ugly purple. Jay didn't understand that last bit.

"Both of you, quit being jealous! Dena, you did come and screw with Malkum's and my life quite neatly. Thank you very much for that. But Kenin, you are being an evil bitch. Put on a happy smile and meddle through life with the rest of us mortals, won't you?" Malkum hadn't said a word through this whole silent exchange, staring in confusion from cat, to Herald, to Demonhorse. 

"About what are you speaking?" he asked in slow, laborious Valdemarean. Jay smiled at him, a welcome expression on her face, for all that it was layered with anger, guilt and fear.

"Kenin's being incredibly rude to both Dena and myself," she replied. Kenin protested loudly and rudely. Jay yanked her head again, but Kenin ripped her reins through the hand of her Chosen, pulling her head back down. Jay hissed in pain. The reins had left a raw patch running through both of her palms. Dena hissed at Kenin in the angry manner cats are famous for, and responded by rubbing his head against Jay's elbow, the only part of her he could reach. Malkum fixed the back of Kenin's neck in an angry glare. 

The rest of the ride was silent. Kenin brooded, Dena fumed, Jay muttered evil things under her breath and Malkum sat, slightly unsure of what to do, still trying not to touch Jay, even when he was perilously close to falling out of the saddle, something Kenin made no effort to prevent. They stopped once at midday, giving Malkum a chance to stretch muscles unused to riding all day. Dena caught a mouse and ate it. Jay grudgingly loosened Kenin's girth and allowed her to graze. The humans shared a meal of cheese, bread and sausage that Dena gracefully declined and Kenin stuck up her nose to. After washing the frozen food down with a gulp of water, Jay tightened her Companion's girth again and mounted up in front of Malkum who had already climbed into the saddle. Dena sprang into Jay's lap this time, a gesture that pleased Jay and served to further enrage Kenin, though the only comment she made was _traitor_, which Jay ignored.

Their ride through the afternoon was also a silent one. As dark started to fall, so did snow. Kenin took in the change in the weather with a feeling of alarm. Dena tensed. :_That can't be good,_: he commented. :_Storms here tend to spring up out of nowhere and be awfully nasty._: Jay nodded her agreement. She'd never actually seen one of the monster storms, but she'd heard too many horror stories from the soldiers, many of whom were from this region. 

:_There's a Waystation back a little ways,_: she commented to Kenin. The Companion replied with a dismissive snort, but did turn around. She picked up her pace too, as the wind began to seep through her coat and Dena's as well as Jay and Malkum's cloaks. Before long, the storm had picked up to the point where Jay couldn't see far past the tips of Kenin's ears. Thankfully, that was the point where they turned down a nearly invisible track that Jay knew led to the Waystation. 

They were within reach of the warm shelter within seconds. Fortunately, someone had kindly provided firewood, so all they had to do was start a fire. The four of them entered the Waystation as quickly as was possible, and Jay and Malkum shouldered the door shut against the wind. Jay then turned her attention to lighting a fire while Dena directed Malkum on how to untack and groom Kenin. The Companion's annoyance at being cared for by a Sunpriest was evident. 

Jay had a respectable fire going soon and she soaked in its warmth gratefully. Dena stretched out like an oversized hearthrug. :_I do believe that I have found the Havens. I shall simply stay here for the rest of eternity._: Kenin snorted.

:_I've seen the Havens,_: she said scornfully. :_And there are no Sunpriests in them. They rot in hell._: Dena's tail hit the floor hard. **Thud, thud, thud**. Jay, who was thoroughly sick of her Companion's close-minded attitude, walked over, shouldered Malkum out of the way with a quick apology and grabbed Kenin's nose, pulling her down to stare into Jay's very angry eyes.

"Now you listen to me," she said, both in mindspeech and vocal speech. "You are an annoyance, Kenin. You are getting in the way, and you are making all of us angry. I am sick and tired of it, Kenin. Stop it or else."

:_Don't think you can lord over me,_: Kenin said in disgust. :_By Vkandis, you're as bad as they are! Not only do you side with them against your own Companion, but you've lifebonded to him! Don't think I'm blind. I can see. I should recognize a lifebond._: All at once her voice was sad as well as angry. :_You think you're all special- it won't last, Jay. It can't and it won't. You're a traitor and traitors burn.:_ With those ominous words, she pulled her head from her Chosen's grasp and walked over to a far corner. Jay blinked back hot tears.

"I hate you, Kenin!" she sobbed. "I hate you- more than anything!" The Companion jerked her head up, and for one second her eyes reflected her pain. Then, they were cold and hard once more.

:_Why should I care? The feeling's mutual._: Jay stood there for a split second, stunned, before collapsing into tears. Unseeing, she collapsed against a shoulder that belonged to the arms that awkwardly embraced her, sobbing her heart out. 

Malkum hesitantly embraced the sobbing Herald, her head on his shoulder. Much to his chagrin, he found himself enjoying the sensation of being this close to Jay. Dena walked over and rubbed against Jay's leg, purring comfortingly. The Herald ignored him. Malkum directed an angry stare at the Companion. 

:_If__ we are all that bad,_: Dena said absently. :_Why__ did she swear by Vkandis?_: Malkum jerked his head up. The thought had never occurred to him- :_And__ you had no way of knowing,_: the Firecat said, barely suppressed rage turning his mindvoice red. :_Kenin__ is being so awful- but trust me, it will get back to her in the end. A Herald can't survive without her Companion, true, but it works both ways.:_

Malkum didn't know how long he held the sobbing Herald in his arms. It felt like a long time before the tears stopped. Instead of raising her head, though, Jay went limp and he staggered with her dead weight.

:_She__ fell asleep,_: Dena said. 

"What do I do?" Malkum asked in Karsite.

Dena twitched his tail irritably. He walked over to the pile of packs Kenin had carried and easily unfastened and unrolled one that proved to be a bedroll, a feat that left Malkum staring. :_Lay__ her down on this, and cover her with a blanket._: Malkum awkwardly did as he was told. Dena stretched out over Jay's feet. 

"And where do I sleep?" Malkum asked.

Dena didn't even open his eyes. :_Next__ to her. It's going to get awfully cold.:_ Malkum had a second's hesitation before lying next to the Herald. To his mixed delight and horror, she curled against him, laying her head on his shoulder. Malkum fell asleep listening to the snow falling outside and the heartbeat of the Herald beside him. 

_~They had fled through the woods. Now, the plants hadn't changed, the animals hadn't changed, but Tilar slowed down. _:We're safe,:_ he said. She hugged his neck, shedding very few tears for the loss of all she had known before. Tears would come later, when it had all sunken in. "Heyla! Who's this?" She shrank back instinctively from the White Demon and his Demonhorse. _:Herald and his Companion,:_ Tilar corrected gently. _:You need not fear them.: _Tentatively, she waved. The rider smiled and waved back, drawing up beside her. He was older, a comforting smile on his face. His eyes widened as he took in her distinctive features. "Tilar!" he exclaimed. "She's not- Karsite!" Even though he did not speak her language, she could understand him._ :It is because of me, love. Tell him this.: _Tilar__ gave her the words to say. "Karsite I am. Kenaen, my name is. Tilar's Chosen, I am." The Herald stared in awe. "Bloody hell!" he said finally. "I'm Jak."_~

A/N Well??? What do you think? Reviews are loved muchly!! Check out my other ficcies too- Flawed Gems especially hasn't gotten many reviews! Zhai'helleva! ~Queen's Own


	5. Chapter Five: Aboutface

Voices in my head have begun introducing themselves!! This story came straight from the mouth of Ulia, a neuter kyree. He has been lazy and would like to apologize for our sporadic updating. The updates will come more frequently, we assure you. 

Reviewer Responses!!!!!

mysticmoods: A bit of insight into the mind of our fav Karsite Sunpriest coming right up!

Tsukinoko1: Tilar's giving her the words, but she's translating them into her own syntax. I dunno. That's just how it came out, I guess. Mindspeech doesn't really give syntax.

Lurks in Shadows: Here's an update!!

Hawk Sister: Oops, my bad! Thanks for that proofreading!

Desert Angel: An Empath within a hundred miles of that group would not be having much fun!

Badgerwolf: Kenin did not repudiate Jay, she's just being mad at the moment. And I know, he is cute when he's confused! Pity he's lifebonded- all the good guys are! It's so not fair!

PrettyKittyOreo and Airotciv thanks SOOOOO much for reviewing!!!!!

A/N Jay's been having all the dreams…we'll have to fix that! ^ - ^

Chapter Five: Happy Cheery 

_He was running, running. They were after him. And they would catch him. And then, they would burn him. A rough hand gripped his arm and he fainted._

_"This man is being burned," a Voice cried. "For the lowest of heresy_:_ consorting with a White Demon and a Demonrider of Valdemar. And worse, daring to be in love with a Demonrider of Valdemar." The crowd hissed at him and he felt alone, so alone- _

_And then, they were lighting a fire at his feet. Dena was nowhere to be seen. Here came Jay, trying to save him- but they caught her too and threw her on the fire. She caught fire and screamed. He watched her burn, helpless, while the flames licked at his robes. "Kenin! Help!" she screamed. The Companion stood on the outskirts of the crowd. _

:I will not help you,:_ the Companion said coldly. _:You are a traitor.: _Jay sobbed in fear and pain- and then she was gone. He screamed, the flames now licking at his chest-_

"Shhh. You're safe, Malkum." He came out of slumber quickly. Jay was sitting, her face close to his. Her hair was rumpled, as was her clothing. "It's alright."

"Burning, I was," he gasped, still trying to catch onto coherent thought. "And- and you- you also burned, and help you, Kenin would not-" He sat up. Jay stood and walked over to the fire. He watched as she painstakingly coaxed a flame from the dying coals. In not too long, she had a fire burning, warming the room.

Once there was a fire going, she came back over and sat down –cross legged- in front of him. "Do you- I mean-" She swallowed and tried again. "What's Karse like?" He smiled bitterly.

"Fine, it is," he said shortly. "Home, also." She thought for a second.

"That's fairly noncommittal," she said, raising an eyebrow at him. "Want to say anything else?"

:_Karse is home to a bunch of corrupt priests,_: Dena yowled. :_And your bratty horse and I actually agree on that, so you'd better listen._:

"True, that is not!" Malkum protested. But his protest was half-hearted. With the judgment of Jay and Dena, he'd been forced to reconsider his opinion of Karse and in particular, the Priesthood. It was corrupt. He should have known that before now, if he'd even thought about it. Sighing, he turned back to Jay. "Correct, Dena is," he agreed. Dena purred, approvingly. "Interested in personal gain only, the Priests are." Dena nodded.

:_Too true,_: the Firecat agreed. :_A bunch of hypocrites, liars and heretics –in the true sense, not their mutilated definition of the word. Karse would be better off without them._: 

:_This is not entirely true._: Malkum jumped at the apologetic mindvoice. :_Dena, I do believe you are being a bit too harsh. There are those who are exactly as you described, and worse, but there are those who are Sunpriests in the true sense. Those who are truly devoted to The One God._: Jay gulped.

"Kenin?" she squeaked. It sounded extremely undignified. "Kenin?" 

:_Don't repeat yourself. And Sunpriest, you are looking like a fish with your mouth open like that._: Malkum closed his mouth with a snap. He didn't know the White Demon –Companion, he reminded himself firmly- was capable of being civil, much less a joke.

"Kenin," Jay said, sounding almost wary. "What happened?" Dena looked too innocent to be true.

:_Kenin and I, had-_: he hesitated. :_A long heart to heart conversation last night, while the two of you were snuggling._: Malkum blushed. Surprisingly, Jay didn't.

"What kind of heart to heart?" she asked, suspiciously.

:_The__ kind where one of the participants talks and the other one listens and makes all the appropriate motions of approval,_: Dena said. :_It was rather informative. Needless to say, I was the listener._: 

"What did she tell you?" Jay asked.

:_She told me a lot about the kinds of secrets Companions are always keeping from their Heralds._:

:_Dena!_: Kenin said. :_You love dancing around a secret, don't you_.:

:_It's not my secret to tell,_: the Firecat said primly. :_It's yours_.: Kenin sighed.

:_Too true_._ And I can't answer it_._ I'm sorry Jay_._ It's a long story and one that we don't have time for, seeing as its stopped snowing_.: She glanced out the window. :_We'd better get going_.: By way of answering, Jay scrambled up. 

_Typical Companion,_ she thought to herself. _Always playing the mystic_. With a sigh, she began digging through her saddlebags, looking for a clean set of Whites. Kenin provided a curtain for Jay to change.:_Not that I really care,_: she told her Companion, as she pulled on her breeches. :_But he does_.: Kenin snorted. :_It's much nicer being on good terms with you,_: Jay said. :_What exactly did you and Dena talk about last night?_: Kenin shifted from foot to foot.

:_You'll learn soon,_: the Companion said evasively. A sudden flash of inspiration hit Jay.

:_It wouldn't have anything to do with those weird dreams I've been having, would it?_: she asked, lacing her tunic. 

:_N-no,_: Kenin said. It was a difficult feat to stammer in mindspeech, but somehow, Kenin managed. Her mindvoice practically screamed **lie**. 

"Tell me." Jay was still fairly angry at her Companion for last night. Not that she wasn't forgiven, but Jay could use a little revenge. "Tell me now!" 

:_She can't,_: Dena sighed. :_As much as I'd like us to all be happy and open with each other, she really can't_.: 

"Why not?" Jay demanded, pulling on her boot and stepping out from behind her Companion.

:_We can't tell you that either,_: Dena said. :_You'll find out eventually_.: Jay sighed and grabbed a brush from her saddlebag, running it over Kenin's white coat. The Companion sighed and leaned against the brush. Jay shook her head and finished grooming the Companion briskly. She then threw on the saddle and bridle. She and Malkum then cleaned the Waystation, throwing everything into her white leather saddlebags. Once the Waystation was clean, she fastened the saddlebags to the cantle of the saddle. Kenin and Dena went outside while Jay extinguished the fire and pulled on her cloak. Malkum waited for her before leaving the small Waystation. Jay shut the door behind them.

She gave the Sunpriest the assistance of her own cupped hands to swing into Kenin's saddle before mounting up behind him. 

Kenin set off at a brisk walk as Dena jumped up behind Jay. :_We're__ off to Haven,_: Kenin said. :_And__ I have a feeling the road is going to be a lot more pleasant than the destination_.: With a sinking feeling in her stomach, Jay agreed.

A/N Sorry about the shortness. Kenin's about face will soon be explained, as will the conversation and the 'big secret' that neither Companion nor Firecat is telling. I just want Jay to have one more dream- ^-^ it shall be interesting, I assure you. Until next chappie! ~Queen's Own


	6. Chapter Six: Flashbacks

Becca: Ulia has blessed you with an update. As such, he has the honor of disclaimer!!

Ulia: We don't own anything, except Jay, Dena, Malkum, Kenin and other assorted random characters, which are the creation of my genius mind. 

Becca: Don't mind him. He's got an ego the size of the Eastern Empire. Anyways, on to the important stuff. FYI, this chap belongs before the last chap I updated. Sorry about that. Ulia is dictating out of order *glares at evil muse*. But it's okay! This is why horsey and kitty made up so quickly! *Kenin and Dena are offended by the names I have called them and begin advancing on this poor, unarmed writer*. Huggles to all my reviewers!! 

Reviewer Responses

Airotciv: okay, okay! Update coming!!

oceanmate: yea, that would be a bad idea! Here's your update! No apology necessary for the nagging- Ulia actually likes it. It makes him feel ever so appreciated!

Darienetta Stoke: thank you SOO much for that extremely complimentary review! And yes, Dena and Kenin are getting along now. They had to be- otherwise Jay and Malkum would have come down with one hell of a headache!

HeraldMage Mak: If you are thinking what Ulia thinks you are thinking, you're right!! Kudos for you! All shall be revealed in this chap!

Lurks in Shadows: aw shucks! I'm not all that good. I would give all the credit to my lovely muse, but it would give him a big head, since he does have to share the credit with Cami and Hkal, and all my other muses!!

Chapter Six: Flashbacks

Dena waited until the two lifebonded were fast in the arms of sleep –and of each other- before standing and walking over to the Companion. Kenin lay in the corner, head slumped, a picture of dejection and misery. Considering that she was currently not talking to someone who was in her head all the time, Dena was not surprised.

:_Go__ away Dena,_: she said dully. Flickers of self-hate, rising anger, fear and sorrow colored her mindvoice. :_Go__ away_.: Dena rubbed his head on her shoulder and purred.

:_I__ know you aren't angry at me,_: he chided gently. :_Or__ even Jay or Malkum. You're confused, my dear Companion.:_

:_No__ I'm not!_: she said sharply. :_You__ and Malkum are servants of the one God. Therefore, you're evil.:_

:_Do__ you realize how much you sound like a petulant child?_: Dena asked.

:_You__ know who I am,_: Kenin retorted. :_You__ know I have an excuse._:

:_Dearheart__,_: Dena chuckled. :_I__ guessed! We met, once, and only for a short while. I died before you.:_ Kenin's head jerked up in recognition.

:_You__ were that Son!_: Her voice rang with shock. :_The__ good one who was only on the Sun throne for- less than a candlemark!_:

:_Three__ weeks, actually,_: Dena sighed. :_Before__ Jehsan accused me of having Demon Gifts –true, I had minor Empathy- and being a heretic –not true. No one argues with the most powerful Demonsummoner in Karse, so good old Dena was burned alive and Jehsan was put on the Sun Throne._:

:_The__ bastard caught us at the Border,_: Kenin said sadly. :_He__ called a Company of the Sunsguard out and Jhon, Dylia, Tilar and I-_: Her mindvoice broke off with what could only be called a sob. Memory swamped her and Dena –with Kenin's permission- Listened and Watched.

************************************************************************

_They were riding unhurried through Karse. Almost at the Border, Herald Kenaen, her lifebonded partner, Herald Jhon and their Companions, Tilar and Dylia, felt no hurry to return to Valdemar. It looked like a truce with Karse was possible. Son of the Sun Dena seemed unlike –as Tilar put it- _:The lying weasels that have claimed to be the Son of more than a dog and a donkey that have sat on the Sun Throne since Herald Vanyel's day.:

_They were strolling along, enjoying the summer day when a Company of the Sunsguard came down the road. Tilar stopped and Dylia turned and approached. "Heyla!" Jhon called to the Captain. The Captain's eyes raked them up and down and she felt a feeling very near to fear. At a barely perceptible signal, members of the Sunsguard that had circled around behind them moved forward. Kenaen noticed with fear that grew every second that they were surrounded. In a reversal of the expected, Jhon, the better diplomat of the two stepped forward, while Kenaen, his bodyguard for this trip, hung back, one hand resting casually on her sword hilt, the other ready for the dagger that could drop instantly into her hand from a wrist sheath. The Captain did not hesitate or seem at all taken aback by either the role reversal or her obviously Karsite features._

_"We are diplomatic representatives of His Majesty, King Dayrin," Jhon said in clear, careful Karsite. "To the Son of the Sun Dena." The captain bared his teeth in what could hardly be called a smile._

_"Rule, the False Son Dena no longer does." His Valdemarean was broken and heavily accented. Kenaen was surprised he spoke any at all. "Under the command of Son of the Sun Jehsan we are. A heretic and demon, Dena was. A truce with the Demonriders we no longer have." His leer widened. "Burned as demons and enemies of Vkandis, you will be." The Sunsguard moved forward, but the Heralds were already in motion. She drew her sword and tossed a dagger as Tilar surged forward. _:Tell Dylia,: _she ordered her Companion. _:Just get out of here and make a run for the Border!: _Grim assent was all that came from her beloved Companion._

_They were fighting for their lives one second, and the next, they were galloping away. The edge of her sword was bloody, she was missing her dagger, and her shoulder throbbed from a sluggishly bleeding cut. Tilar too was bleeding from a shoulder wound._

_But she did not celebrate their freedom. Tilar shrieked in fear and spun on his hindquarters, galloping back the way they had come. For Dylia and Jhon were still trapped in the circle of the Sunsguard. _Please,_ she begged. _Please Vkandis! Don't let us be-_ Her prayer cut off as she let out a cry of pain. _She had been cut. She was bleeding from a gut wound. And the pain- Dylia went down underneath her and more pain overwhelmed her as emptiness invaded her soul. 

_A rush of love that had the feeling of finality behind it overwhelmed her. And then, he left her life, rushing out of her. She shrieked in pain and rage, and she lost her grip on sanity. She and Tilar charged into the fray, her sword slashing and cutting, weaving a pattern of death. _I'm coming my love. Beloved, I'm coming. _But one woman –even a Herald- and her Companion cannot possibly triumph against that many foes. _

_Pain rushed from her back all through her body. She couldn't feel her legs anymore- couldn't move them. Blood spurted from a dagger plunged into the small of her back. Tilar, momentarily distracted by the fatal blow to his __Chosen__, failed to dodge an arrow and the crossbow bolt thudded into his chest. Emptiness was her reality and as she tumbled from the saddle of her dead Companion to land on the churned earth, she tumbled also into blessed darkness. _

************************************************************************

Queen's Own: I apologize for the shortness of this chap. Anyways, I hope this explains some stuff. I know it's not really a complete chap, but this was where I had to stop.

Ulia: Kenin is too distressed to say anything else. Reliving her death is very traumatic for her. And Dena respects this and goes back to sleep. The end of this chap.

Queen's Own: Praise for Ulia will be muchly appreciated!!! The next chap coming up ASAP!!!! 


	7. Chapter Seven: Secrets

Queen's Own: Now we're back to the road! Sorry about the odd order of the last two chaps!

Ulia: We own nadda, zip, Malkum, Jay, Kenin, Dena and that's all folks!

* * *

Chapter Seven: Still on the Road (Surprise!)

Jay rolled herself up in her cloak and leaned up against Kenin. Dena was stretched out in front of the fire she'd painstakingly coaxed to life. Malkum was past Dena in Jay's bedroll. "Certain you are?" he asked doubtfully. Jay sighed.

"I'm fine," she assured her lifebonded for the third time in as many minutes. "I've slept in worse." With that, she dropped her head and closed her eyes. It had been a long day and she was exhausted. Dena stretched lazily.

:_Liar_,: he said, amused. :_But__ she'll be fine, stubborn as she is_.:

"Like a hearthrug, you look," Malkum said, amused. Dena fixed with one eye, a reflection of the flame in its depths.

:_Cheery_.: Malkum laughed quietly and closed his eyes, ready to doze off. But sleep didn't come as quickly as he liked. His eyes opened again in minutes, resting quickly on the sleeping Herald across the room. She looked sound asleep, curled in her cloak. Kenin was curled around her as though she was a foal. When she felt Malkum's gaze, she lifted her head and met his eyes.

He was both unnerved and comforted by that calm blue stare. The clear humanity shining out of a horse's eyes as well as something that was above and beyond humans startled him. Yet the calmness of her gaze, as well as the fact that it contained no malice or anger comforted him. Kenin had made her peace with them.

After a moment, Kenin closed her eyes. A gentle voice floated across his mind. :_You'll__ do, Sunpriest_._ You'll do_.: The approval warmed him.

The fire popped, releasing sparks up the chimney. Seconds later, snow fell from the roof landing with a wet thud. Jay's eyes flew open. Instantly, Malkum's gaze fell back to her. Jay, noticing his eyes on her, smiled sheepishly.

"Battlefield reflexes," she explained, somewhat embarrassed. "Annoying, but useful." Malkum couldn't think of a response. As a result, silence spanned the distance between them, seeming to stretch for hours. Malkum realized he was staring and hurriedly looked away, blushing.

As he stared into the fire, his thoughts wandered. Woman had never before commanded any of his attention. He had never taken any vows of chastity; they had never seemed worth the effort when he was already practically celibate anyway. Now, all of a sudden, there was Jay. She was a Herald, an enemy of his country. She and her Companion were the stuff of every Karsite child's nightmares, every warning that a mother gave disobedient children. He himself had been weaned on horrific tales of the Demonriders of Valdemar. And yet, this woman now captured all of his attention, waking and sleeping. She was strong, independent and beautiful. That and so much more drew him to her, in a way he'd never before been drawn to any human being. He didn't realize his brow was furrowing in confusion.

:_Why__ am I always the babysitter for idiotic, blinded priests? Why do I always have to explain anything!?:_ Dena looked sound asleep, but his Voice was anything but.

Malkum ignored the cat- or at least tried to. He succeeded –mostly- but only by focusing his attention back on Jay. Her eyes were still drowsy, hair and clothing rumpled. She had, however, shifted so she was sitting up, using Kenin as a backrest. _She looks so innocent now,_ he thought.

Realizing that he was staring, he quickly turned his attention back onto the fire. As the fire popped again, he watched the sparks fly, red hot. And two words inserted themselves into his mind: Traitors Burn.

The words echoed in his head, an ill omen. He fell into an unknowing trance, staring at the flames, the words echoing in his head.

Jay –who had discreetly been studying him as well- was concerned to find that his eyes had focused on the fire, and he was staring at it, unblinking. Quietly, she shed her blankets and padded across the room to him. Crouching next to him, she gently laid a hand on his shoulder. He jumped and she met his warm brown eyes.

"Are you all right?" she said, never moving from his gaze. Dazed, he nodded. She smiled. Slowly, she began to lean towards him. One of his hands moved, as though of its own will, to cup her cheek. Her hand moved from his shoulder to his neck. Their faces were inches away now.

:_Isn't__ this a lovely picture_.: Dena's sarcastic voice startled them apart, blushing furiously. Kenin glared at the cat. :_What__? Is it my fault if I want some sleep?:_

:_You__ stupid cat,_: Kenin said, blocking the conversation from Jay. :_You__ stupid, idiotic-_:

:_I__ want some sleep!_: Dena could not be dissuaded. The Companion settled with sending him a mental snort.

Jay realized that, now that she was out of her cloak and no longer sharing Kenin's body heat, she was actually fairly cold. With this realization, she started shivering. Instantly, Malkum was on his feet.

"Cold, you are," he said, concerned, his hand once more coming up to cup her cheek.

"I'm fine," Jay insisted, still shivering. "Really, I'm-" Her words were cut off as Malkum –at a mental nudge from Dena- wrapped his arms around her, pulling her to him. The move was bold and he felt embarrassed doing it. But as Jay rested her head on his shoulder and wrapped her own arms around his waist, he practically glowed with happiness.

"Take the bedroll, you should," he said quietly after the Herald had stopped shivering.

"I'm fine," Jay protested again. "Don't worry- I've got Kenin."

:_Heralds__. Always too self-sacrificing and stubborn for their own good.:_ Dena sounded annoyed. :_I__ have a wonderful idea. Why don't you share Kenin _and_ the bedroll?:_

"Asleep, I thought you were," Malkum said irritably, arms still wrapped around the Herald.

:_I__ would be if you two weren't so loud,_: Dena retorted. :_Since__ you two need so much advice, I can't go to sleep until you resolve the problem. So resolve it and go to sleep!:_

"Sharing body heat might be a good idea," Jay admitted, not moving her head from his shoulder. "Especially since it's going to get colder."

"_Colder_?!" Jay almost laughed at the Sunpriest's surprise.

:_Much__._: Trust Dena to come up with a comforting answer.

"A good idea, I think he has," Malkum admitted finally. "If," he added quickly. "Alright with you, it is."

"I think it is," she said, lifting her head and meeting the Sunpriest's eyes.

Neither one moved. Finally, Dena completely lost patience with the two of them. :_Humans__! Worse than anything else with their damned cuddling!:_ Jay and Malkum started as he vanished.

Before they could react, the bedroll appeared across the room next to Kenin, with Dena seated on top of it. Jay looked over Malkum's shoulder. The bedroll was no longer there. She blinked. "Dena can Fetch?" Malkum looked at her blankly.

:_She'll__ explain in the morning,_: Dena said irritably. :_Now__-_: He vanished again. Suddenly, Jay felt a warm, furry body rub against her leg. She had enough time to whisper a curse before her stomach dropped and she was on the bedroll, once more next to Kenin.

"Dena, you bastard!" Hot fury rushed through her. _How dare he-_ The Firecat looked up from where he lounged across her legs.

:_Go__ to sleep_.:

"Absolutely not! How dare you?!"

:_Sleep__, blue jay_.:

Jay stiffened. :_Don't__ call me that, Dena_.:

:_As__ you wish. Now will you please just sleep!:_

:_Fine_!:

Jay rolled over to face away from Malkum. A look of confusion darted across the Sunpriest's face, but he had little time to dwell on it before sleep took a gentle but firm hold.

Jay on the other hand, was in the hold –not of sleep- but of guilt. Guilt that took the face of a slender, brown-eyed, black-haired, handsome Herald, currently on circuit near the Holderkin. His name was Fas and he had been her lover. He thought they still were lovers. And he had been her friend for years before that. She didn't want to hurt him.

Guilt had a heavy hold on her heart as she slipped into sleep.

* * *

_She was no longer a little girl, but a grown woman and a Herald. She'd just gotten home from circuit on the Karsite Border. The fact that she'd been given circuit down there had still had her floating on air. The Heralds completely trusted her not to desert them for her former home. _

_Right now, she was sitting and leaning against Tilar's white side under a tree in the Companion's field. She played with the grass under her toes as she laughed at a joke Jhon had just made. Jhon had been her yearmate and her good friend since the day they'd met. Now that friendship was looking to develop into something more, a direction she was all too willing to let it take. _

:Kenaen,:_ Tilar said. _:Don't wander.: _She dutifully turned her mind back to what Jhon was saying. _

_He laughed at something his Companion, Dylia, had said, Then, his blue eyes locked with her brown ones. And they said everything she wanted them to. They smiled. And kissed._

* * *

Jay woke with a start. "Kenin," she whispered. Her Companion didn't reply. Her realization made it impossible for her to sleep, and she lay awake for the rest of the night, thinking.

_

* * *

_  
A/N: The fluff will start coming in small increments. What you think? Please review and I will have the next chap out ASAP, probably within a week. Zhai'helleva! Queen's Own 


	8. Chapter Eight: Of Water and Washing

Queen's Own: So, here after a long wait is the next chapter of White Flame. No reviewer responses this chapter- that will wait until the next one sorry guys! I appreciate all the reviews so much, regardless. Longer author's note at the bottom!

Disclaimer: I'm too young to be Misty!

* * *

Chapter Eight: Of Splashing, Swimming and Rain

Telling Kenin turned out to be harder than Jay had expected. She had expected to be furious with her Companion, what with all the emotional ups and downs of the last few days. Yet the only feelings she could summon up were confusion and a bit of sadness.

She knew everyone could tell something wasn't quite right. So, being the friends they were, they decided to make her spill before they left for the day. Conspiring amongst themselves by use of mindspeech, Dena and Kenin conspired for Kenin and Jay to go on a long walk down to the stream to get water.

Jay had scarcely boosted herself onto Kenin's bare back to begin their lazy amble down to the stream, when Kenin asked what was wrong. To Jay's astonishment, a few tears began to trickle down her cheeks.

:_You lied,_: was the first thing out of her mouth.

:_Loverling, what's wrong?_: Kenin's mindvoice was concerned.

:_This_.: Too tired to explain, Jay simply shoved the whole dream into her Companion's head. It took very little time for the Companion to sort through it, and when she had, she stopped dead. :_How is that possible?_:

Kenin hesitated before plunging ahead. :_When Heralds die –and not just Heralds, Companions, Bards, Healers too- they don't just go to the Havens. They're given a choice. They can either go on to the Havens- or they can come back. Companions remember their past lives, everyone else doesn't. That's what happened to Dena too, only he was a Son of the Sun –a decent one, don't worry- and came back as a Firecat. Malkum knows, because Firecats don't try to keep that little detail secret from their followers. We Companions do._:

:_Oh._: It took a few minutes for Jay to process this information.:_Why didn't you tell me?_: There was very little accusation in the Herald's Voice; instead there was resignation and sadness. :_You know everything there is to know about me. I thought you trusted me to know everything there was about you. I guess I was wrong._: The tears began to slide down her cheeks faster, still silent.

:_Jay- Chosen- It's not that I didn't want to tell you,_: Kenin said. :_It's just that- those rules have been in place for centuries. I couldn't just break them. We're not allowed to tell our __Chosen__ about our past lives._:

:_Oh._: She was silent for a moment, as though working up the courage to ask something she didn't quite want to know the answer to. :_How- why do you hate Malkum if you are –you were- just like him?_: Kenin's silence must have scared her, for she quickly added:_Don't be mad. You don't have to answer, it's okay, I was just- wondering._:

:_No,_: Kenin said. :_You should know. I spent my entire life fighting Karse. In the end, I was stabbed in the back and Jhon, Dylia, Tilar and I were killed by the Sunsguard. I hated my homeland, and in effect, hated my family. And there is no worse feeling, than feeling as though you betrayed someone. I love you too much to ever let you feel that. I wanted to help you- wanted to protect you. Stupid, I know, but I don't want to ever feel that again._:

:_It's not stupid._: Jay reached down and looped her arms around Kenin's neck. :_When you love someone, you can forgive them their mistakes._:

At some point during the exchange, Kenin had begun walking again. The rushing of the stream broke their companionable silence. Jay wiped the tears from her eyes, swung one leg over Kenin's back and hopped down. She filled their flasks and a bucket with the icy water before turning to walk back with her Companion.

Dena and Malkum were relieved to see a much happier Jay enter the Waystation. The immediate emotional problem gone, they were out of the Waystation within a candlemark. The four talked happily, though to an onlooker, it would have been a very fragmented conversation, due to the combination of mindspeech and regular speech being used.

They stopped briefly for lunch, before continuing on. By the time they stopped for the night, they were well away from the Border and into warmer, less hostile country. There were more people here, though, and more Heralds, making it harder to stay relatively unnoticed. Kenin took back roads, and they traveled well past dark to make it to an unoccupied Waystation instead of staying at an inn.

This was the norm for the next few days. It was about halfway to Haven that they had their first encounter with another human. It was a Herald on circuit. Dena, who had taken to running along the road to scout ahead, alerted Kenin several minutes before they ran into each other; a good thing since it really wouldn't do for another Herald to see the way Jay leaned against Malkum, the way the two were joking familiarly and how relaxed Kenin and Jay were about escorting a potentially dangerous Sunpriest to Haven. With the warning, they were able to pull together an image that matched the heavily edited reports Kenin was sending Caryo, Kantor and Mores.

Herald Karina and her Companion Dain rounded the corner to an unexpected sight. A young Herald sat, back rigid, behind a Karsite Sunpriest. The Sunpriest had his hands uncomfortably on the pommel and looked more than a bit terrified.

"Heyla!" Jay called to the approaching Herald. The woman played with the black braid that fell over one shoulder as her eyes scanned the group. She was young, Jay observed. It was probably only her first time on circuit.

"Hello," the Herald called back. "How's the Border been?"

Jay shrugged. "No better, no worse than usual. I'm glad to be out of there, frankly- this job isn't too demanding. We can take our time."

Karina smiled lightly. "He's not giving you any trouble?"

"Does he look up to it?" Jay asked scornfully. Her heart twisted as she referred to Malkum with disdain. "He's been terrified out of his wits ever since we got more than a day away from the Border. One of us always has to be awake, but I get more sleep than I did before I got on the road to Haven."

Karina laughed. "I'm glad I drew circuit."

"When does your circuit end?" Jay asked.

"Oh, I've got another year," Karina said. "And hopefully, they'll just keep me out here. I like it. The people are nice, country's easy."

"Do you have any fresh food?" Jay asked curiously. "For obvious reasons, we haven't been able to restock along the way- can't bring him within arms length of a town." Karina laughed.

"There's a Waystation down a little ways," she offered. "If you can wait there, I'll be back within a candlemark with the best food you'll see in this area."

"My thanks," Jay called over her shoulder as Kenin started walking. "You'll stay and eat with me? It's been rather lonely, with only my lovely Companion for company."

"I'd be happy to," Karina called, before nudging Dain into an easy lope. Jay glanced enviously at her easy seat before turning her attention back to her Companion.

:_Wonderful job,_: Kenin said, sounding relieved. :_Why'd you ask her to stay for __midday_:

:_Because I need to know I can keep it up for more than a few minutes,_: Jay said reluctantly. :_When we get to Haven-_: She broke off, not wanting to touch on that yet. Glancing over her shoulder to ensure that Karina was a safe distance away, she hugged Malkum.

"You did a wonderful job," she murmured. "You looked terrified."

"Acting, it was not all," he admitted. "Scare me, that Herald did." She leaned her head against his back.

"I won't let anyone hurt you," she promised. Malkum shook his head.

"Make promises impossible to keep, you should not." Jay opened her mouth to protest, but Malkum kept talking. "Try, I know you will. But when Haven we reach? Against your queen can you go?" Jay buried her face in his shoulder.

"If I have to," she said, voice muffled. "I will." Kenin did not reprimand her, only sent a mental hug.

:_And I will be behind you,_: she promised. :_All the way. No matter what._:

They reached the Waystation within a quarter candlemark. Working together, the humans quickly pulled Kenin's tack off and gave her a thorough grooming. Companion clean, Jay surveyed the room. It was slightly smaller than most, but the room was cozy and clean.

"Would you all mind if we just stayed the night here?" she asked. "I'm in no huge rush to get to Haven and this seems as good a place as any. Besides, we can get Karina to bring us enough food for dinner tonight and three meals tomorrow. Kenin's tack needs cleaning, I'm sure Dena would like a break from scouting –he's always complaining about lack of sleep- and I would enjoy not having to go somewhere."

:_What about my back?_: Kenin put in. :_I get tired from carrying you._:

:_I'm assuming that's a yes?_: Jay said sardonically.

"A good idea, I think it is," Malkum said, just as Dena agreed to the idea as well.

Jay smiled as an idea occurred to her. "I can wash my Whites too," she said. "I'm not going to get another chance until we reach Haven and I really should before then. Wait, Malkum- you don't have any clothes other than the ones you got from the soldiers on the Border, do you?" The Sunpriest shook his head. "I can get Karina to get you something a little more comfortable- a little less conspicuous too, I should think."

"Useful, that might be," he admitted.

Jay rummaged through her saddlebags until she found a well hidden rag and saddle soap. Getting a bucket of water from the pump outside, she set about showing Malkum how to clean Kenin's tack. By the time Karina returned with food, Kenin's tack had most of the dirt scrubbed out and –though still worn- looked decently clean.

The Herald knocked on the door first, and Jay opened it, stepping outside to talk to the Herald. "He understands a little bit of Valdemarean," she said in exasperation. "So I can't talk to Kenin outside of mindspeech anymore."

Karina shook her head sympathetically. "That must be horrible. When was the last time you could talk to someone?"

"The Border," Jay said with a shrug. "That was days ago."

"Poor you," Karina said. "I don't envy your job. Speaking of jobs, I brought your food." She pulled a wrapped package from one of her saddlebags –considerably lighter than Jay's- and handed it to Jay.

"Thank you," Jay said, inhaling the delicious aroma rising from the food. "Could I ask another few favors of you?" The younger woman nodded. "Kenin and I have decided that since we're halfway to Haven, it's a fairly good idea to spend the night here instead of moving on today. I was wondering if you could get us some more food –enough for tonight and tomorrow at least- and also if you could get some clothes for Malkum –the Sunpriest. What he has now is a little conspicuous and I don't want anyone getting upset or worried by the sight of a Sunpriest."

"It's no problem," Karina assured her. "I'll be back before sundown." She left with Dain, leaving a relieved Jay to carry the food back to Malkum, Kenin and Dena.

The contents of the package were four rolls stuffed with sausage –still warm, Jay was pleased to see-, and some fresh fruit juice. Malkum divvied up the rolls between himself, her and Dena while she got Kenin her own lunch from some of the grains stored in the Waystation. Once the Companion was happily munching away, Jay slipped easily down to the floor, Tayledras-style. She silenced her growling stomach by digging into the roll and a half she had been given by Malkum. Rolls settled in her stomach, she washed them down with a swallow of the juice.

:_Horrid table manners,_: Dena said sardonically, sedately eating his own roll.

"You got to eat between breakfast and now," Jay reminded him. "And you had a halfway decent breakfast." The Firecat refused to comment, and simply continued eating. Malkum laughed slightly.

"Talk back to him, you do," he said approvingly. Jay smiled.

"He's not so different from Kenin in that way," she said. "Give him some good logic and he shuts up."

:_Only because I wouldn't favor such a horrible argument with a response._: Jay resorted to a very juvenile tactic and stuck out her tongue. Malkum laughed. "Karina is getting you some clothes," she said, turning to Malkum. "I'm going to change into something that isn't Whites so I can wash all of those."

"I think get water, I will," the Sunpriest said quickly. He left the Waystation, Kenin behind him in case Karina or someone else were to see him. Jay shook her head, as she searched through her saddlebags.

:_He's so- touchy,_: she complained to Kenin. The Companion laughed.

:_Give him time,_: she reprimanded. :_You'll have him where you want him before you get to Haven. Trust me. Being pressed for time does wonders._: Jay sobered up for a moment, before focusing on the first bit of Kenin's comment.

:_You really think so?_: she said, a bit too eagerly perhaps if Kenin's laughter was any indication.

:_Jay-_: she said hesitantly. :_Hate to spoil the move, but- what about Fas?_: Jay's eyes became sad for a moment, as she pulled on a pair of loose tan pants and a dark green shirt.

:_I'm going to break it off with him as soon as I get back to Haven,_: she said honestly. :_There's nothing else I can do. It's not fair to lead him on- I'm lifebonded, and there's nothing anyone can do about it._: Kenin's mental approval lifted a little bit of the gloom.

:_I'll help you,_: she said comfortingly. :_I know it won't be easy._:

:_I know._: Jay thought it was time for a change of subject. :_Kenin- do you think you could help Malkum bring back enough water for us to take baths?_:

:_Why don't you just use the river?_: Kenin suggested. :_You can wear clothes –don't give me that- but a swim will clean you both up._: Jay laughed.

:_Sounds like an excellent after-dinner activity,_: she said with barely contained glee. Kenin laughed.

:_Don't get ahead of yourself, __Chosen_: she cautioned. :_Don't want to scare him away._:

:_Kenin!_: Jay faked hurt. :_How could you think such of me?_:

:_I've lived in your head for years,_: her Companion said. :_That's how._: Jay laughed, and broke off the link to dig around in her saddlebags for soap and the rest of her Whites. By the time Malkum returned, she had also found a tub in the back corner of the Waystation. She set the bags of dried food it was holding on the floor and together, she and Malkum carried the tub outside. They filled it with the water Malkum and Kenin had brought from the stream and set to work.

By the time Karina returned, two candlemarks later, almost all of her Whites were clean and hanging on one outside wall of the Waystation. The other half were in the process of being washed. Dena –on lookout again- warned the laughing and joking Jay and Malkum seconds before they saw a flash of white up the road. Instantly, the laughter and jokes stopped, and they quietly spoke in Karsite, a language Jay prayed Karina didn't know.

"Heyla Jay," Karina said, swinging off Dain's back. "I brought the food and clothes you asked for." Jay nodded.

"Thank you," she said. Turning to Malkum, she said quickly in Karsite, "Could you take the stuff from her? Just put it with out other stuff in the Waystation. You can change too if you want- we can wash your clothes too while we're cleaning." Malkum nodded and walked over to Karina. She untied a few bundles from her saddle and passed them to him. As he went inside the Waystation, she smiled apologetically at Jay.

"Sorry I can't stay," she said. "I need to be at Brook's End by sundown."

Jay waved her apology off. "I understand. Anyway, we'll be fine here. My Karsite's not all that bad- we'll see what I can get out of him before we reach Haven. And at least we're doing something useful." She waved a wet hand covered in soap suds at her Whites.

Karina laughed. "Good luck."

"You too," Jay said, and meaning it. "See if you can find me next time you're at the Collegium."

"I will," the younger Herald promised. Without a formal goodbye, she simply turned and left the Waystation. Jay sighed, shook her head, and tackled another patch of dirt on the White breeches.

Malkum emerged a few minutes later. He dumped a pile of clothes next to the last few articles of White clothing on the grass, and returned to rinsing soap out of a White shirt. Jay eyed him discreetly out of the corner of her eye. Kenin snickered mentally- her Chosen ignored it. The Sunpriest didn't look half bad, especially now that he was out of either ill-fitting black or military blue –both of which looked horrible on him. It looked as though Karina had gotten him relatively nice clothes- a pair of loose brown breeches and a light blue shirt that looked soft.

"How much clothing did Karina get you?" Jay asked absently.

"For three days, enough," Malkum said.

:_Chosen_: Kenin said, suddenly serious. :_He should learn more Valdemarean before we reach Haven. Vkandis knows what gets lost through interpreters._:

"Malkum?" Jay said casually. "Have you ever thought about learning Valdemarean?" Malkum looked startled.

"No," he said. "Occur to me, the thought had not."

"Well Kenin thinks you should learn. And I agree. It's something to do anyway, while we wash clothes. So how about it?"

"Learn, I will try," Malkum said with a shrug. "A good idea, it may be."

:_I'll help,_: Dena offered from his position sunning on top of the Waystation roof. He had dismissed the ground as 'too cold'.

Jay beamed. "Thank you Dena. So," she said, handing the article of clothing she had been washing to Malkum before picking up a pair of breeches. "Where should we start?"

Three candlemarks later found them sprawled on the grass. Clothing hung from the Waystation wall, some of it practically dry. With help from Dena and occasionally Kenin, Jay had managed to muddle through teaching some rudimentary Valdemarean vocabulary to Malkum. The intelligent Priest had quickly picked up a lot of what she had to say, and had made very good process.

Jay stretched like a cat. As it was early spring, the sun had already begun to go down, and she wanted to go swimming before it got too cold. "I've got an idea," she said lazily. "You know the river down there?" She gestured vaguely in the general direction. "Let's go swimming." Malkum was almost certainly not expecting this.

:_Oh come on,_: Dena said, in private Mindspeech. :_If your chivalry so insists, you can wear clothing. Good God, Sunpriests have changed since my day._:

"A good idea, this is," Malkum said finally. He decided it was worth the hint of embarrassment to see the grin on Jay's face. She stood.

"I'll go change into something I can swim in," she told him, after a slight nudge from Dena. "When I come out, you can change if you want."

Minutes later, they were at the river. Jay had pulled on a too-big tunic of Fas' that had been floating around in her saddlebag, and Malkum had on a pair of breeches he'd been given back at the Border. Without a thought, Jay took off through the water. She grinned underwater at the sound of swimming. She had been taught to swim by a friend from Lake Evendim when she was little- she swam like a fish. Malkum obviously had not had the benefit of such training. A mad grin on her face, she swam down and pinched his ankle before darting away. He refused to rise to the bait, simply waited until she inevitably surfaced.

She laughed in delight. "Like to swim, you do?" Malkum asked, one corner of his mouth darting up.

"I love it," she said, swimming easily back towards where he was standing on a rock. "It's so much fun!" She felt so giddy, it was hard to pinpoint the feeling. When she finally located it, it shook her. No one was depending on her. If she wanted, she and Malkum could run away right now. They didn't have to go back to Haven. For the first time since she had been given Whites, there were no constraints on her. And, to make everything better, she was swimming in the middle of nowhere with only her lifebonded, her Companion and a talking cat. What more could a person ask for in life?

Catching the gist of her Chosen's thoughts, Kenin sighed. She had not forgotten what awaited them in Haven. Yet she wisely did not remind her Chosen of this fact. She deserved a few moments of freedom before reality came back.

:_I don't want anything to happen to them,_: Dena said sadly, tail twitching. :_She seems to have forgotten for the moment, and I know he has, but they're in a very dangerous place right now and it will only get worse._:

:_I just want to protect her,_: Kenin sighed. :_Why is everything so difficult?_:

:_If it were, we wouldn't be so happy,_: Dena said. But it was scant consolation.

Jay splashed Malkum playfully from shallower water. He swam after her –quick but clumsy- as she darted away. "No chance!" she teased. He laughed and stopped swimming.

"Unfair, this is," he said, laughing. "Swim too well, you can."

"Isn't that all the fun?" she asked sweetly. He laughed. Jay hadn't noticed that, as he'd been talking, he'd been edging closer to her. Now, he reached out and grabbed her, throwing her into the water. But she kept a hold on his shoulders, and they tumbled together into the water.

Once in the water, she released her grip on his shoulders and swam easily away. She poked her head out of the water once she was out of reach. "Cheater," she gasped, slightly out of breath.

"Evening the odds, I was," he said, no trace of guilt on his features. She laughed.

"Try again," she informed him. "I got the better of you." He set off after her, and she took off.

They were both fairly winded by the time Kenin and Dena broke in with an apologetic summons. :_You two should get out of the water,_: they said. :_There's storm clouds moving in and you want to get the laundry up before it gets soaked._: Jay swore fluently and swam to the rocks where they had gotten in, Malkum close behind. The two scrambled out of the water, grabbing the towels draped over Kenin's back. With the aid of a rock, Malkum and Jay got on the Companion's back and she loped easily back to the Waystation, Jay holding her mane while Malkum wrapped his arms around her waist.

They had just gotten back when the first drops of rain began falling. Laughing and swearing –well Jay was anyway- the two grabbed armfuls of clothing from off the wall. Jay unpinned them, while Malkum ran them into the Waystation. The rain was really coming down when they finally got the last articles of clothing inside, and Jay thought she heard a rumble of thunder in the distance as she slammed the door. She looked at the clothing strewn haphazardly around the small room, and a dry Dena, a damp Kenin and a soaking Malkum, then down at her own soaked form before collapsing into laughter. Malkum followed suit seconds after. By the time she stopped laughing, Jay's stomach muscles ached. Malkum was wiping tears from his eyes. Jay crawled over to the fire and managed to prod one into shaky life after a few minutes. She used one candle to light a lamp or two before coming back to stand next to Malkum.

As she moved next to him, she heard him inhale sharply. Looking at his eyes as they moved up and down her form, she shivered. Glancing at him, she realized that the tunic she was wearing was still wet, and clung to her form. In the newly kindled light, her body was outlined against the fire. In spite of herself, a slight blush colored her cheeks as she let her own eyes drift over Malkum's body. While not heavily muscled, he was not out of shape, and she appreciated the view. When she met his eyes again, they had darkened slightly.

"Jay?" he said. His voice was low and soft, and it made her stomach flip. She moved closer and skimmed her hands over his bare shoulders to rest lightly at the nape of his neck. His own arms wrapped around her waist and he drew her closer. Their faces drew nearer and Jay brushed her lips over his in a light kiss. _I'll be damned if I let him get away with just that,_ she thought giddily. She brought his lips, refusing to let him draw away. But he wasn't fighting her. When their lips met again, he deepened the kiss until when they pulled away, their breathing was slightly ragged.

"You have no idea how long I've wanted to do that," she said breathlessly.

"A good idea, I think I have," he said, smiling.

:_Finally!_: Dena said privately to Kenin. :_It's about time!_: The Companion snorted her agreement.

After a few more kisses, the two curled up on the bedroll, Malkum sitting up against a few packs, Jay leaning against him. They sat there in silence, soaking up the warmth of the fire and each other and listening to the rain fall on the roof.

"What's Karse like?" Jay finally asked, drowsily. "What's your family like?" She looked up at Malkum.

"A soldier, my father was," Malkum said quietly. "Illegal it is, for soldiers of the Sunsguard married to be. But married to my mother, my father was. Killed while I was still a child, he was, and know him I did not."

"I'm sorry," Jay murmured.

He shrugged. "All right, it is. The difference, I did not know. Remarry, my mother did, to a merchant. A happy child, I was. Then," his expression darkened. "The Sunpriests came. Test the children, they did. At twelve, to the Priesthood I was taken. Hear from my mother, I have not since. A family, the other novices and priests were not. Religious calling, I did not have. Happy, I was not." He smiled at her. "Until now."

She smiled. "I'm glad."

"About your family, tell," he said, smoothing hair from her face.

"My father was a landowner- he had a farm," she said softly. "I was the middle of five children. My parents were always busy, but they loved me. Kenin came for me when I was eleven. If she hadn't, I'd probably be married with several children now." She smiled faintly. "But anyway, she took me to the Collegium. The Heralds, and the Trainees became a family; I made lots of friends, found mentors." The smile took on a melancholy edge. "I was assigned to the Karsite Border after I finished my internship. I've been- scouting villages. I guess I was pretty much your typical Herald- until I met you." She smiled and kissed him lightly.

:_As much as I'm enjoying listening to all this,_: Kenin put in. :_Might I suggest sleep? We can't hold off travel another day._: Jay sighed and relayed the suggestion to Malkum. He nodded.

"Correct, she is," he admitted. "Sleep, we should." Jay closed her eyes and tucked her head on his shoulder.

"Good night," she whispered. Within moments, she was asleep, fast in the arms of sleep. And it was a dreamless sleep for both of them. Kenin, worry riding on her mind, listened to the rain for a long while, before she finally slept.

* * *

Queen's Own: So how was it? I have become un-writer's blocked! This story is finally beginning to take more shape in my mind. By the way, does anyone know how long it takes to get from the Karsite border to Haven? Rough estimate? I'm guessing two weeks, so that's how it's appearing in this. If anyone has a more accurate number, I'll edit the story to reflect that.

I'm going to be editing the first few chapters of this- I feel as though some of it is rushed, badly written and not up to the standards I hold now. So take a look at those- I'll let you all know when I edit those.

Until next chapter! If you review that will be a shorter period of time, so please do! -Queen's Own


	9. Chapter Nine: Of Wishing and Wanting

Queen's Own: This chapter has been a little slow _because_ I have been devoting an enormous amount of time to rewriting the first chapters. Revised Chapters One and Two are up and Three is on it's way! Also, four reviews is not sufficient incentive to update. I will give you all a second chance, and post this anyway because I love to write it, but I'm warning you. No less than ten this time.

Reviewer Responses (for Chapters 7 and 8)

Giggles: (blush) I'm incredibly flattered by that review. I don't think I'm anywhere near that kind of quality but thank you so much.

Walking Through Shadows: Jay is a Herald lifebonded to Sunpriest of Vkandis Malkum. Kenin is Jay's Companion, Dena is a Firecat attached to Malkum. That covers the main characters; hope it helps!

elfin: Thank you very much. The fluff will be increasing slightly over the next few chapters but there won't be any fluff past Chapter Ten (sorry guyz!)

Airotciv: Ulia heard the bit about the dreams! Sorry if they were annoying- Jay agrees on that point. More fluff, as you requested. So sorry about the co-authoring thing. How's MP coming with your chapter?

Lurks In Shadows: Fluff coming! And thank you for that comment- I do try to keep my characters as human as I possibly can. There's no worse way to ruin a story than by having unbelievable characters.

wizard116: I try, I really do.

Breezefire: Kenin isn't emotionally unstable in any sense other than the fact that she hates Karse- and really, what Companion doesn't? They're only- well not exactly human- But anyway, Kenin corrects her emotional instability fairly quickly, and neither her nor Jay are any the worse for it. Actually, fighting with the people you love can make you love them more.

Kirsa: Hmm…good point…although I've gotten rubs across the top of my palm just where my fingers start. She would probably also have gotten them between her fingers too.

M3m0rii: Thanks! I try to be original. I'm glad you like the personalities. As for the tension, that's the desired effect. Glad it's working!

Starlight-Dagger: (laughs)

Also thanks to Sarah, Kayla and milky way bar for reviewing!

* * *

Chapter Nine: Of Wishing and Wanting

It was when she woke up the next morning, that she realized that nothing would ever be the same. Jay snuggled closer in Malkum's arms, before realizing that she was probably a mess and she needed to get up and do something. So, she crawled carefully out of the bedroll, gathered up a few pairs of clean articles of Whites and retreated to a corner to change behind Kenin's protective bulk. By the time she'd combed all the knots out of her now-dry hair, Malkum was up.

After a quick kiss good morning, Jay excused herself and Kenin to go get water for breakfast. On the way down to the stream, Jay stared at her feet before getting up the nerve to speak.

:_It's__ never going to be like last night again, is it?_: she said regretfully. Kenin's eyes were sad.

:_As__ much as I'd like to say it will,_: she said gently. :_The__ likelihood that it will is slim. The way the situation between Karse and Valdemar stands right now, you two have-_:

:_No__ chance,_: Jay finished bitterly. :_The__ fact that we're lifebonded will count for nothing- he hasn't been Chosen._: The words were sent with what was almost a silent plea, a last glimmering of hope.

:_And__ isn't likely to be,_: Kenin said. She heaved a sigh. :_I'm__ sorry._: Jay waved it off. She hadn't expected any differently. This was real life after all, not a love ballad.

:_We'll__ make the best of what we have,_: she said. :_Rushed__ as it may be. And when Haven comes- we'll see what we can do._:

The walk back to the Waystation was spent in companionable silence. Malkum met her at the door and took the water from her. His eyes too were slightly sad, as though he knew what she was thinking. _Then again,_ she thought wryly. _He probably does at some level._ No one knew how deep lifebonds extended- it was just one of those mysteries.

Breakfast was quick, and they were on the road within a candlemark, after packing up all the strewn clothing. As they turned a bend in the road, all sight of the Waystation was lost, as well as any of the carefree nature with which they had acted the previous day. They were more than halfway to Haven and they were running out of time.

The next week was strained. Every kiss was rushed, every touch savored. They met more and more Heralds, a few of which Jay even knew vaguely. Every time they had to put on their act of fear and disdain, Jay felt as though her heart were being twisted. Their kisses, which grew more and more heated, and talks, which grew increasingly more personal, went some way to helping heal the wounds. But the better they grew to know each other, the more she realized how hard this was going to be.

It was three days before they were to reach Haven. A Herald who Jay knew slightly from the Collegium –he'd been three or four years ahead of her- had joined them for dinner and Malkum was on the verge of nervous breakdown. When Jay showed the other Herald out of the Waystation, he watched her back and found his vision growing blurry. When Jay returned inside, she found him crying.

Immediately, she was by his side. He pulled her into a tight embrace. "What's wrong?" she asked, concerned.

"Lose you, I cannot," he said softly. She began to cry too.

"You won't," she said. But they both knew that it was an unsure promise.

They just held each other for a long time, until the tears began to subside somewhat. Then, Jay kissed the remaining tears from his cheeks, until she reached his lips. Their kiss tasted of salt and sorrow.

After a while, Jay pulled back from the kiss, eyes full of thought. "You can't go into Haven." It was a fact, not a question. "It's dangerous. You wouldn't be safe." Her eyes still shone with tears and her voice quavered slightly. But they were determined as well, full of a need to impress the seriousness of this statement upon her lifebonded.

"To Karse," he said softly. "I should return?" She nodded.

"You may or may not know," she began. "That Kenin had to remain in contact with the Queen's Companion and the Spymaster's Companion. They have told her some of what awaits you in Haven, and it's- not pretty. Not safe. And if I lost you-" Her voice broke off in the sob she could not contain. "I don't think I-" He shushed her, a finger held to her lips.

"In question," he said. "That is not. The question is how?"

:_I__ can take you,_: Dena said suddenly. The Waystation went quiet. :_I__ can take you to Karse instantly,_: the Firecat repeated.

"How-" Understanding dawned on Jay's face. "You can Fetch!" Malkum looked from one to the other, confused. Jay elaborated. "Dena has a –well I suppose you'd call it magic, though it isn't true magic. Anyway, he can transport you from here to there, though I didn't know it could be done with humans."

:_I__ am the avatar of a god,_: Dena said smugly. :_There__ are many things about me that you don't know._: Jay rolled her eyes.

"But the point is," she continued. "He can take you out of here. Instantly. You could be back at the village where we met right now if he wanted." She hugged him tightly. "We have a way! You'll be safe, and-" She realized the reality of the situation, and stopped.

"See you again, I will not," he said, following her thoughts as usual.

"But you'll be safe," she said, voice choked by a large lump. "And that's all I want. For you to be safe." His eyes welled up.

"Never see you again, I will," he repeated. "Think, will you, that meet only a few weeks ago, we did. Now, without you, my life living, a possibility is not."

"But you have to," she choked out. "It's the only way."

"Come with me," he begged. She shook her head.

"I can't. I have duties, to my country, my queen, my friends- I'm a Herald, Malkum." She thought it would be impossible for him to understand, but he sighed in comprehension.

"A woman, I knew," he said. "When a novice I was. Solaris, her name was. To Karse and the One God she was dedicated. Believe in Vkandis she truly did. Hear from her since, I have not, but know I do, that love Vkandis she always will. To him, she is dedicated. To her country as well. This feeling, I have never felt. But understand it, I can try."

"Thank you," she said. She kissed him.

As she lay in his arms that night, she spared a thought for Haven. It suddenly hit her with a painful clarity that made her cling to his hand around her waist that the situation they were talking about was not an abstract one. They had two more days, and on the third he would leave. And she was going to Haven with Kenin, to tell lies to the people who had been a family to her.

:_Shh_: Kenin soothed. :_We'll__ deal with what happens when it comes. And I will always be here for you.:_

:_Is__ it horribly un-Heraldic of me to wish that we could all just run?_: Jay asked. :_Far__, far away to go-_: She thought of the most outrageous place they could go. :_-join a Shin'a'in clan:_ Kenin sent soft mental laughter.

:_Good__ luck with that __Chosen_: she said. :_If__ you succeed, let me know. Haven won't be so bad:_ she said. :_You'll__ have Ady, and-_: She hesitated. :_-and Fas. Who will be your friend no matter what:_ she said, stopping Jay's protests of guilt. :_Neither__ of you began this liaison really expecting it to last._: Her mindvoice was firm. :_In any case, both of you are mature adults and _he willunderstand_ that you cannot stay together if you've found someone else- or whatever lie you want to tell him. I think you should tell him the truth. But if you don't want to, that's your decision not mine.:_ Jay smiled weakly into the dark room.

:_I__ love you,_: she said softly. Kenin sent love down their bond.

:_I__ know_.: The Waystation rang with silence for a few moments. Then gradually, the noises of the night inside began to infiltrate the room. Crickets' chirping was interspersed with soft bird calls and occasionally, the sounds of larger animals calling each other. Jay sighed.

Suddenly, the room felt too small and suffocating. She needed to be outside. Quietly, she slipped out of Malkum's arms and the bedroll, unlocking the door silently with an automatic extension of her Gift. She pushed the door open and tiptoed out into the dark night.

The breeze held a bit of a nip that had been hidden in daylight. It was enough to shiver slightly and wrap her arms around herself as she leaned against the outer wall of the Waystation.

: Kenin's sleepy inquiry filled her mind and she chuckled quietly.

:_I'm__ fine love,_: she Sent. :_Go__ back to sleep._: Sleepy assent signified the Companion's return to the arms of sleep. Jay smiled and inhaled the night air deeply. It smelled of spring, of newly turned earth, the crops growing in fields not far away. And there were other smells too, the sources of which were much harder to trace. As her eyes adjusted to the night, she could see through the thin barrier of trees to the field beyond. She sighed at the familiar sight; Herald though she was, she would always be a bit of a farmgirl at heart.

A pair of strong arms wrapped around her waist, making her jump slightly. The arms tightened slightly in response.

"Escaping, you were," a familiar voice breathed in her ear. Warm breath tickled her ear and neck and she laughed, settling back in the embrace.

"I tried not to wake you," she said by way of apology. Malkum laughed in her ear.

"Succeed, you did not," he said. "And mind, I do not. The night, peaceful is." She sighed in contentment.

"That it is," she said. She put her hands over his, picking up one to interlace her fingers with his. "What would it be like if we were in Karse?" she asked, trying to look up at him.

He tucked her head under his chin. "Quiet as well," he began. "In some parts, the same it would be. A little warmer maybe." He hesitated suddenly, and she squeezed his hand. "Some villages- loosed, demons are, at the Son's will. There, silence is. Heavy on the air, fear hangs. Locked, every door and window is. Even the animals silent are. Only once such a place was I in. Scared, I was."

"No shame in that," Jay said softly. "Those priests are the demons, those who order those monsters released." She shuddered at the thought.

"Think they do, that Vkandis' will working, they are," Malkum said quietly.

Jay shook her head slightly, trying not to dislodge Malkum's chin. "Their teachers are at fault." She sighed. "Someday, someone decent will take the Sunthrone and _hold_ it. If there is a god, eventually he _has_ to intervene. Otherwise, why would anyone have worshipped him?" She twisted in Malkum's arms to face him. "I only wish that day would come so we could see it," she said softly, brushing hair out of his eyes. "But even if we don't see it, someone will. Someday." He kissed her, soft and sweet. She clung to him, pouring out all her hope and love into that kiss.

He was the one who pulled back then. "Someday," he repeated, voice hoarse. "See it we will." She kissed him softly, closed lips on closed lips.

"I only hope," she said. Her arms were wrapped around his waist, and she rested her head on his shoulder. His grip around her waist tightened, and they stood there. The quiet spring night went on around them, uninterrupted. Gradually, the sound of their breathing and the beating of their hearts slowed, blending in with the chirping of the crickets and rustling of wind.

"Stay here forever, I could," Malkum murmured in her ear, as though to himself. His hand rested on her bare back, his thumb running over her spine absently. His other hand had shifted to hold her upper body tightly against his.

"Me too," she responded quietly, voice muffled by his shirt.

He opened his mouth to respond, but she cut him off by kissing him fiercely. Their breath mingled, and then he began kissing his way down her neck, pushing aside her shirt to kiss her exposed shoulder and collarbones. Jay slipped her hands beneath his shirt, tracing patterns on his stomach and back.

By the time they broke apart, Jay's shirt was mostly unbuttoned and Malkum's way lying on the ground. She pulled away gently, breathing quickly. Their eyes met, darker than their normal hues.

"Can you do this?" she asked breathlessly. At Malkum's non-comprehending look, she elaborated. "Can you as a Priest of Vkandis make love to me- to any woman?"

"Yes," he answered. "But- your wish is it-?"

She cut him off with another fierce kiss. "Stop being such a gentleman," she breathed in his ear, kissing his neck. "We don't have much time- let's make use of that which we have."

She expended a bit of power to open the door, and he pulled her inside. And they made use of what time they had.

* * *

Malkum woke before Jay the next morning. In the half light, he brushed hair from her face. As he shifted slightly, she turned and burrowed her face in her shoulder, mumbling something incoherent. His arms wrapped around her waist loosely, one hand running up and down her side.

It had become clearer and clearer to him that this was becoming something out of a bad tale. He had found the woman of his dreams; she was smart, capable, sweet, funny and absolutely everything he could ever want. If he believed in such things, he would have called her his soulmate. And in two days, he was going to have to leave her and probably never see her again. It truly was something from a bad story.

Jay stirred slightly, murmuring softly in her sleep. Slowly, her eyes opened and she blinked drowsily. As dreams and sleep receded from her eyes, she looked up at Malkum and smiled.

"Morning," she said, sleep still clinging to her voice. She kissed his lips lightly, hands resting on his chest.

"Morning," he replied, her smile driving away his thoughts of earlier. "Sleep well did you?"

"I think so," she said, a mischievous glint in her eye. "Although it was rather late before I got to sleep. Someone was keeping me up." Her tone was light and teasing.

"Really?" Malkum answered, a wry smile twisting his lips. "Such a thing who would-" She cut him off effectively with a kiss on the lips.

"I think you know very well who would do such a thing," she replied, a smile curving the side of her mouth.

"So little respect, you show," he said. "Perhaps punishment you require-" Jay gasped as his hands wandered slightly.

"I think I will continue being disobedient if that's the punishment I can expect," she replied, laughing eyes darkening slightly.

:_Lovebirds_: Dena interrupted. :_Time__ to rise and shine!_: Jay groaned and threw the first thing that came to her hand at him- her breastband. A flush colored her cheeks when she realized what she had hurled at the cat. :_I'm__ touched,_: the cat yowled.

"Spoilsport," Jay retorted.

:_Be__ more respectful of an Avatar,_: Dena sniffed. :_My__ punishment isn't nearly so pleasant as your lover's._:

"Good," Jay joked. "You're really not my type anyway. I prefer them with only two legs, furball."

:_Chosen__ we _do _need to go,_: Kenin said. :_Although__ I do hate to interrupt your fun._: Jay took care to throw something non-embarrassing this time. Kenin ducked her head to evade the flying tunic.

:_So__ violent,_: Dena commented. Malkum rolled his eyes.

"Surrounded, we are," he said. "Get up, we might as well." Jay sighed.

"You're right," she said, brushing a kiss across his lips. With a sigh, she conceded the point to Dena and Kenin. "Let's get up."

"Right you are," Malkum said reluctantly. Jay smiled, stretching.

It took a candlemark, but they were out the door in enough time to satisfy Kenin. They made good time that morning. Around midday, they were stopped by a Herald who had been only a year ahead of Jay at the Collegium. He insisted on eating a quick lunch with Jay, pointedly ignoring Malkum. The act had the two dancing on the edge of a knife by the time Herald Bryon made his excuses and left.

Once back in the saddle, Jay knotted Kenin's reins on the pommel and leaned back against Malkum, pulling his arms around her. "I'm sorry," she said softly, as Kenin made her way along.

"What for?" Malkum asked, settling his arms around her.

"For making you so tense around Bryon," she said. "I'm sorry that we had to stay with him, and I'm sorry that I had to act as though I didn't care. If I had any choice at all, I wouldn't. But it can't just be reports to Caryo and Kantor, if I want the queen to believe me. I-"

"Apologize, you do not need to," Malkum interrupted. "Understand I do." Jay curled against him.

"I know," she said. "But I still feel like I need to apologize."

He just held her tightly as Kenin picked her way carefully along the road. And for them, it was enough. They talked about Karse, then they talked about Valdemar. Jay teased him about his childhood antics, he teased her back about her horrible nicknames many of which still stuck with her today. Dena scouted ahead for other Heralds, Jay in faint mental contact with him the entire time. Interspersed with the conversation were quick lessons in Valdemarean- useless now, but still something Malkum wanted to learn.

Kenin stopped in front of a Waystation just as dark fell. Malkum quickly got her untacked and groomed, while Jay started a fire. Dinner consisted of a few meat pies that had been supplied by Bryon when he discovered what was keeping Jay from stopping at inns. Someone had also left tea in this particular Waystation, so Jay brewed two cups which they drank with dinner.

As hints of after-dinner activities began to fly, Kenin and Dena announced that it was now warm enough for them to sleep outside. Jay laughed at Kenin's many additions to the message.

"Be back in a moment," she promised Malkum, shooting him a glance that made him smile. She let the Companion and the Firecat out of the Waystation, and bolted the door firmly behind them.

She walked back to Malkum easily. Giving him a mischievous glance, she stood in front of the dying fire, just out of reach. She rolled her shoulders, yawned, and stretched like a cat, moaning softly. "I'm tired," she said teasingly. "I think I need to get some sleep."

"Of course," Malkum said with mock solemnity. "To bed, we should go." Jay raised an eyebrow, and all but purred.

"We?" she asked. "Who said anything about we? Don't you think _I_ would like to get some sleep? Maybe I'll go sleep out with Kenin and Dena." She smiled flirtatiously. Malkum reached out to grab her wrist, but she evaded him easily. She shook her head with mock sorrow. "Can't you control yourself?" she asked, eyes sparkling with laughter.

"When around, you are, then no," he replied. He tripped her and she went tumbling onto the blankets. When she opened her mouth, he cut her off with a kiss. "Think, I can, of better ways time to spend."

And then there really wasn't much talking.

* * *

Queen's Own: And there's your chappie! Lotsa fluff for all you people who love it. It reads like a romantic ballad at some points, but that kind of comes with the lifebond. Review and the next chapter will be posted sooner. 


	10. Chapter Ten: Of Leaving and Lying

Queen's Own: Reviews are at an all time low. This chapter was posted out of the goodness of my heart. For I am a starving artist. The beginning of this is basically a big ball of fluff. Read it, live it, love it. I'm pretty sure it's the last you're going to see.

Note: Gryphon's Stair is more commonly known as Chinese Staircase. Obviously, I had to change the name since Jay and Malkum have no idea where China is.

Disclaimer: If I were Misty and I owned all this, I would have sent it to a publisher, and be making money off it, instead of babysitting.

* * *

Chapter Ten: Of Leaving and Lying

Jay squinted, trying to make the best of the fading light. She brushed damp hair out of her eyes absently, knotting together two pieces of string she'd found at the bottom of one of her packs. The damp grass tickled her legs and stomach as she propped herself on her elbows, watching knot after knot transform into a spiraling bracelet.

A bare foot came into her line of sight, and she smiled up at Malkum. He smiled back, raking back wet hair with one hand. She brushed a few drops of water that had fallen from his hair and bare chest from her arm and extended a hand. He obliged, pulling her to her feet.

"Done with your bath?" she asked, smiling.

"After someone left me, lonely it was," he replied.

"You take more time bathing than most girls I know," she retorted. "I got bored."

"Bored? With me?" Malkum smiled. "How is such a thing possible? That with string you replace me?" He took the knotted string from her fingers.

"It's called Gryphon's Stair," Jay said, watching his fingers explore the knots. "My sisters taught me when we used to have to sit inside on rainy days. I think it was to keep me from giving everyone a headache; I was a restless kid."

"Only then?" Malkum feigned shock. She swatted at him and missed. He came after her, and she ran behind the Waystation. Laughing and shrieking, they chased each other around for a while, until Malkum finally caught her. He pulled her against him. She buried her face in his chest.

"You're getting me wet," she said, voice muffled.

"Miss you, I will," Malkum said softly, ignoring her. Jay tried to convince herself that the water she was blinking away was from Malkum's bath, not her tears. But she knew it wasn't true.

"I love you." She looked up at him, capturing his lips in a long, sweet kiss.

One thing led to another as such things often do, and the conclusion was inevitable. Yet while often couples will then fall back into the arms of sleep, these lovers didn't want to waste precious time in sleep. Weeping and playful banter alternated in the blink of an eye. Tears and touches were exchanged in the same moment.

But emotions exhaust as few other things will and, in the very early hours of the morning, they surrendered to the arms of sleep. Dena and Kenin had slept outside, and therefore had gotten more sleep than their humans. They woke earlier, as well, and, unwilling to wake the sleeping lovers, they stole those few minutes to talk.

:_Your__ mindspeech can't reach Haven,_: Kenin stated bluntly.

:_Nor__ can yours reach Sunhame,_: Dena replied, sounding tired. :_And__ even if we could, would we? Would it be any less painful:_

:_Better__ not to try,_: Kenin said, watching through the window as her Chosen clung to Malkum even in her sleep. :_Does__ he know? About the lifebond:_

:_Jay__ made me keep my silence,_: Dena replied, as Malkum stirred slightly to pull Jay closer. :_She__ wanted to protect him; thought it would be better if he didn't know._: Kenin only sighed.

Her head lifted suddenly, eyes fixed on something beyond the horizon. When her eyes came back to focus, they were sad. :_Kantor__ and Alberich are coming,_: she said. :_Or__ rather, they will- I told Kantor we needed some more time, and he didn't ask questions. Regardless, they'll be here by midday.:_

Dena extended a soft Mindtouch to the sleeping pair. They began to wake slowly. Kenin and Dena turned their gaze from the Waystation, to give the pair some privacy for their goodbyes. Finally, when the sun was steadily gaining height, and Kenin could put it off no longer, she tentatively extended a greeting to Jay.

A keening grief unaffected by the slight overtones of sleepy satisfaction met her mind. :_When_: The resignation in Jay's Voice was almost as painful as denial would have been.

:_About__ a candlemark. It'll be Alberich and Kantor.:_

Jay turned to her lifebonded, trying to swallow the tears she thought she had cried out last night. "They'll be here in about a candlemark, Kenin says," she said, unable to meet his eyes. "We'd better go."

Malkum grabbed her arm as she turned away to get up. "I love you," he murmured, taking her chin in his hand and forcing her to meet his gaze. She burst into tears.

"By all the Gods," she murmured. "Why?"

Malkum stroked her hair as she buried her head in his shoulder and sobbed again. His tears soaked into her tousled hair. "Question Vkandis' will, I do not," he said. "But wish I knew, I do."

"What did we do wrong?" she choked out.

"Nothing," he murmured. "In our eyes. In the eyes of others, much. Know, we cannot, whether the Gods agree with them or us."

"I can't do this," she said, clinging to him.

"Nor can I. But we must." She laughed bitterly through her tears.

"To be a Herald is to sacrifice. Don't I know it." She let him hold her a moment longer, before pulling back. "We've got to get up."

Kenin moved to comfort her Chosen but decided against it. Her time to comfort would come later. Now it was Malkum's turn.

The Waystation was searched, clothing pulled out of the corners it had crawled into. Jay's saddlebags bulged, clothing and supplies sticking out of it. The bedroll had been rolled, the fire put out. Food was stored in the Waystation bins for the next Heralds to need it.

Jay managed to find a pair of relatively clean Whites. Malkum had to help her knot the tunic laces, and the shirt had a stain on the hem, but you couldn't tell from a cursory glance. Standing there in full uniform, she took one look at Malkum and burst into fresh tears.

He was standing there in his Sunpriest's robes. The black and gold were everything she had learned to fear and hate. Seeing the man she loved and needed in that uniform wrenched at her heart, a painful reminder of what was happening. They were separating. Fate was pulling them apart, forcing them to opposite sides of a war. Who knew when they would meet again, if ever. And if they did, there was no guarantee that it wouldn't be seeing them burn on their funeral pyre or be run through by someone they knew.

:_Jay_: Kenin said softly. :_You've__ got a quarter candlemark._: From the suddenly stricken look on Malkum's face, she could only surmise he'd just been told the same thing.

He pulled her close, and she clung to the front of his robes, pulling his mouth down to hers. Salt touched her lips and tongue, adding a bitter edge to the kiss. Malkum buried his face in her neck, unable to look at her.

"I love you," he murmured into her skin. She only kissed him again. Nudging the lock with her Gift, she didn't break from the kiss when she felt Kenin and Dena behind them.

:_Ten__ minutes._: Kenin's mindvoice was urgent. :_They__ need to leave._:

Jay knelt and buried her face in Dena's fur. :_Thank__ you._:

:_May__ Vkandis' light shine on you. I'll miss you.:_ The Firecat's mindvoice was sad. Jay hugged him tightly and stood, just as Malkum took his hand from Kenin's neck. She embraced him fiercely, kissing him as though he was her air, her life. Tears scalded her face, and she couldn't bother to wipe them away,

"By all the Gods, I love you," she murmured, pulling away after one last stolen kiss. Their fingers stayed interlaced as Dena rubbed against Malkum's leg. He was clinging to her hand so hard it was almost painful, but she welcomed the pain as a reminder that he was still there.

Jay wove her fingers into Kenin's mane, and just gazed at him, savoring the last look at him. Her eyes scanned the beloved face and familiar body, committing every last detail to memory. Deep, dark eyes, prominent nose, black robes, black hair, strong, gentle hands, soft lips were all emblazoned into her memory, an image that would haunt her for years to come.

:_Five__ minutes. They have to leave.:_

Jay pulled her fingers reluctantly from his grasp. "I love you."

"I love you."

And then they were gone, and Jay could only sink to her knees and bury her face in her hands. Her heart was breaking, one tiny piece at a time, and she could feel it crack. He was gone, and he was never going to see her again. She would never hold him, never kiss him, never hear him laugh again-

Kenin put her nose in Jay's hair for a moment before pulling back. :_They're__ almost here._ _You need to pull yourself together. You don't have the luxury of tears right now.:_ Jay raised her face, bleak and miserable.

"But it hurts," she said softly. Kenin nudged her to her feet, steeling her heart against the black grief she could feel swamping her Chosen.

:_I__ know. Push it away for now. You've got a performance to give.:_

Jay splashed water on her face to wash away the tear tracks. Nothing could be done about the red eyes- she could only hope Alberich would blame it on lack of sleep, or worry.

Someone banged the door. "Herald Jay?" She took a deep breath and composed her face. It shook Kenin to see her face when she turned. It was perfectly serious and calm. The expression was one that wouldn't have looked amiss on anyone's face, expect for one thing. Jay's eyes held none of the sparkle they usually held. The playful gleam had left with Malkum and Dena. And Kenin had no way of knowing if either would ever come back.

Herald Alberich hadn't changed a bit in the little over a year Jay had been away from the Collegium. He was still was formidable as ever, scar seamed face blank of any emotion. Upon seeing him, she quailed slightly, realizing just who she was going to be lying to. But she steeled herself; she would protect Malkum and Dena. She had to, for both their sakes.

"Herald Jay," Alberich said curtly. Jay could see the blue eyes of his Companion Kantor behind him, and looked away, focusing on the Weaponsmaster's eyes. They were only human, after all, and easier to face. "We are here to escort you and the Karsite prisoner to Haven."

"Herald Alberich," she said, allowing a few of her tears to show in her voice. "I've looked everywhere- I can't find the Sunpriest. I don't know where he went. He must- I guess, the stress finally caught up with me, all those nights of lost sleep. I told Kenin I would keep watch, but I wasn't worried- he'd been quieter and quieter as we got further from the Border. I must have fallen asleep, and he must have slipped out. I'm so-"

"Do you realize what you have done?" he cut her off. A hint of anger and disapproval hardened his tone.

"Yes," Jay said. It took everything she had not to make that 'yes' defiant. "Yes, I understand. There's no excuse for my failure." She looked at her hands, unable to face Alberich's eyes a moment longer.

The Weaponsmaster sighed, and absently rubbed a scar on one forearm. "You were too young. We should not have placed you in such a stressful position after so long on the Border. Hope I do, that the Sunpriest doesn't harm anyone. Watchers in the country will be placed." Jay noticed absently that his emotion –disapproval, disappointment, anger, worry- was so great that he was lapsing back into his native syntax. Abruptly, he shook back into himself.

"You are needed back in Haven to make a full report to Her Majesty and myself," he said shortly. "Come. We have little time to waste." He left the Waystation. Jay hurried to strap her packs to Kenin's back and leave as well. With only a quick backward look at the last place she had been with him, she swung into Kenin's saddle. Kenin matched Kantor's pace easily, sending worried looks at her Chosen.

Jay had incased herself in ice. She was numb to everything now. No matter what happened to her now, two things wouldn't change: she had Kenin and she didn't have him. One was keeping her sane, the other felt like a dagger being twisted with every beat of Kenin's gait. She tried not to think. It was less painful that way, because everything she thought led back to Malkum. It was easier to simply focus on the ground being kicked up by Kenin's hooves, to Kantor moving in front of them, to Alberich's stiff back and the bird songs.

There was heavy traffic in Haven at this time of morning. Alberich made his way through the crowds impatiently, Kenin following meekly in his path. When they reached the Palace gates, Alberich gave their names to the guard on gate duty. Once inside, he turned to her.

"Care for your Companion," he said. "Then come to Queen Selenay's office. She will want to speak with you." He turned and, with nary a backward glance, left her standing in the road. After a moment, Kenin began walking again, towards the Field.

:_Just__ pull my tack off, love,_: she said kindly. :_I'll__ be fine until later._:

:_Thank__ you._: Kenin winced at the feel of her Chosen's Voice.

:_When__ you're done, come to me,_: she suggested. :_You__ need to grieve._:

Jay didn't say anything as she swung off Kenin's back and opened the gate. Quickly and efficiently she stripped saddle, bridle and packs from Kenin's back. Swinging tack over her shoulders and hefting the packs, she waited for Kenin to get inside before shutting the gate.

:_It's__ easier not to,_: she finally said. :_It__ hurts too much._:

:_Oh__ Jay,_: Kenin replied. :_It's__ only human. You need to mourn them.:_

:_It's__ easier not to think about him,_: Jay repeated. She turned her back and left. Kenin in a last attempt to reach her Chosen, reached deeper into their bond.

:_I__ miss them too,_: she said sadly, pouring love and grief into their bond. Jay paused for a moment, then kept walking without looking back.

:_I__ miss him more._: Kenin watched the Herald leave silently, worry and guilt weighing her down.

Jay dropped tack and packs in Kenin's stall; she'd come back for them later. Then, brushing off her Whites, she jogged to the Palace. Stopping only to ask directions from a page, she made her way quickly to Selenay's office.

_I can't think about them,_ she thought, over and over. _Because I will grieve.__ I don't have the luxury for that right now. I cannot afford tears right now._ As she approached the Guard outside the door the page had directed her to, she shoved her grief aside forcefully.

"Herald Jay?" the man in midnight blue asked. She nodded. He opened the door to admit her.

Queen Selenay sat at her desk, a too calm gaze fixed on the younger woman entering her office. Alberich stood to her right, slightly behind her, his typically unreadable stare also fixed on Jay.

Jay bowed. "Your Majesty," she murmured.

"Herald Jay," Selenay acknowledged. "You were entrusted with a task –an important task- and you have failed. Not only did you lose a valuable prisoner but you have potentially endangered citizens of this country." Obviously the queen did not waste any time cutting to the core of the problem.

"How is it," Alberich inquired. "That a Sunpriest escaped your watch?"

"I don't know," Jay replied, voice a match for Alberich's in lack of emotion. "I was careless, I was irresponsible. It is my belief, and that of my Companion's, that the stress of my Border task as well as the last two weeks caught up with me, and I fell asleep. I feel guilty, knowing that I have failed in my responsibility, and have failed you and the Circle. It was my fault, for overestimating my ability."

Selenay and Alberich looked at each other. "Herald Jay," Selenay said after a moment. "I feel- compelled to question you under the Truth Spell. It is what I would do for anyone else, and I see no reason to exempt a Herald from this. You are human, you are fallible."

"I understand, Your Majesty," Jay said, fighting a rising bit of panic. "And I agree." Selenay nodded and turned to Alberich. He closed his eyes for a mere second, and then gave Selenay a small nod.

They proceeded to question her at length. Jay lost track of how long she was there, how many questions she answered. She focused on wording her answers so they were not –quite- lies. But there is a gap between lies and the absolute truth, and she exploited it at every turn. Some of the questions she could answer honestly, merely leaving out parts of knowledge. Those were the questions about Malkum and any information she had managed to garner during their two weeks together. Some of those were the hardest to answer: the ones about him personally, his appearance, his personality. Then there were the questions she had to word very carefully. Those were the ones about what had happened the night before and that morning.

She could see Alberich and Selenay glancing at each other, despairing slightly at the lack of information she offered, and wondering at some of her pauses, some of her hesitant answers. Finally, when she was beginning to sway on her feet, Selenay smiled faintly.

"I think that's everything we're going to be able to get," she said. "Unless, there's anything else you saw that might help…" She let the question trail off. Jay weighed her options, and took a carefully calculated risk.

"I don't know if this means anything to you," she said slowly. "But I noticed it. Last night, I- I saw a cat walking around. But it was larger than any cat I've ever seen. Cream colored, I think, with reddish markings. It might not mean anything but-?" She bit her lip at the look on Alberich's face. Faint shock was the only thing readable through his mask of reserve, but it was enough. He knew what she was talking about.

"Thank you Herald," Selenay said. "You may go."

"Meet me in the salle," Alberich said. "At midday tomorrow. And do not tell anyone about the Sunpriest."

"I won't," Jay said quietly. Bowing, she turned and left. Once out of the room, she breathed a faint sigh, and ducked her head to go find welcome solitude in her rooms.

Selenay waited several moments after the soft click of the door, before turning to her trusted Spymaster. "What did you make of that?" she asked quietly.

"A Firecat," he said slowly, lapsing into the Karsite syntax. "A most unexpected turn is."

"She might not have seen anything," Selenay pointed out. "They haven't been seen in centuries, from what you've told me."

"Still-" Alberich shook his head. "The feeling I get, that know everything, we do not. See her, did you?"

"I did," Selenay said grimly. "Thinking every answer through a hundred times before she ever opened her mouth. She's wasted on Border patrol. Yet the Truth Spell never faded-"

"Once it did," Alberich reminded her. Selenay cocked her head.

"When?" she asked, confused. "I don't remember."

"Talking to Caryo about the Companion Kenin, you were," he told her. "Ask her about his personality, I did. Easy to get along with was he? Charismatic?"

"Oh- I think I might remember her answer a little," Selenay said, ruefully. "I wasn't quite as out of it as I thought. She said- um- Charismatic, no. But seemingly kind, she thought. She didn't trust him. But she didn't believe him to be evil. Not like most."

"In her eyes," Alberich added. "No joy. Only great, heavy sorrow and pain there was. Try to mask it, she did. But flicker, her control did. Not often, but enough. In her body, tension. And think for a long time about her answer, she did. Mean there was no way to lie, this did.""

"A puzzle," Selenay said ruefully. "I don't believe she was helping the Karsites, though."

"Hate them, her Companion does," Alberich said. "Many times, she has informed Kantor. Help them, she would not, and against her, Jay could not go without anyone's knowledge."

"I'm no Empath," Selenay said. "But I don't think we know the entire story. She's hiding something."

Alberich didn't have to answer.

The shadows were beginning to thicken as Jay walked through the hall, feeling the constant drain of keeping her emotions at bay. Before, she had been able to. But with the strain and exhaustion brought on by the day, the wall seemed to be crumbling with every passing minute. It was becoming all she could do not to break down in tears.

Even after being away for so long, she could still find her way to her second-floor rooms blind and half-dead. Finding them now was child's play for her. The sigh of relief she heaved when turning the last corner was almost audible, until she saw the light streaming from under the door, and heard the familiar voices behind the door. Feeling a desire to sink to her knees and rage at the unfairness of it all, she forced her heavy feet to walk the last few paces, wiped at her eyes in an attempt to get rid of any tears that might be lingering there and open the door.

A familiar strawberry-blond launched herself at Jay before she even had a foot inside the door. "We figured the queen wouldn't think to feed you," Adi explained, before Jay could even open her mouth. "So Fas and I went down to beg Mero. Come eat. You must be starved. You look it- did they feed you on the Border? Gods I missed you."

Jay just looked at her yearmate and best friend. Adi was a tall, slim, strawberry blond with a bubbly, outgoing personality. Though she was three years younger than Adi, Jay often felt older. This was one of those times.

"Actually Adi," she said, hoping her voice didn't sound as strained as t felt. "Thanks, but- I'm really just- just not hungry."

Adi looked concerned. "You sure?" She took a closer look at her friend, and her eyes widened. "Are you okay, Jay? You look like you've been through hell."

"I-" Jay swallowed, hating herself for lying to her best friend.

"Adi, stop," came a familiar voice from the window seat. As usual, the third member of their group was lounged across the seat with a view of the Companion's Field. Tall, dark and handsome, Fas was a year younger than Adi, but usually acted older than his age. Guilt welled up in Jay at the sight of him, but she couldn't concentrate on that emotion now.

"Adi, I'm tired." Jay was doing everything she could to keep her emotions from her face and voice, but the exhaustion just from keeping tears out of her eyes was showing in her voice. "Please- I just want to rest! I didn't get any sleep and it's been-" She faltered at the look on her friends' faces. The concern on Fas' face broke a heart that she didn't think could take any more, and she lost her battle with the tears.

"Please," she begged. "I want to be left alone." Fas stood and moved to embrace her, but she flinched back. Hurt crossed his face, but he turned to Adi, who had a stunned expression on her face.

"Come on," he said. "Let's go Adi." Turning to Jay, he softened slightly. "I don't know what in Astera's name you've been through, but we'll leave you to it. I have to teach this evening, but I'll come back later to check on you. Eat something." He turned and left, Adi following slowly behind him.

"Jay?" she asked. "What happened?" Jay couldn't respond. The door shut with a soft click behind her two best friends.

With the door shut, Jay collapsed into helpless sobs. Blinded, she stumbled to the window seat, and curled up in the window, looking helplessly south toward something she couldn't reach. She cried until she felt as though she was going to throw up, huge racking sobs that threatened to tear her apart. Her nose, eyes, throat and chest ached, but she couldn't stop.

When she couldn't cry anymore, she tucked her knees under her chin and wrapped her arms around herself, huddling in a ball, still staring south. She allowed grief to drown her in its depths; she didn't want to resist it.

The sun had set completely by the time Fas returned. She heard the muffled knock at her door, but didn't respond. The door creaked slightly as it swung open. She didn't turn around. Seeing the uneaten tray of food, he uttered a muffled curse, setting something down with a soft click. The cushion sank as someone sat next to her.

Hands on her shoulders forced her to turn around. "Jay," he said, voice strained. She couldn't help but meet his eyes. They were worried and afraid, and he pulled back slightly at the look in here eyes.

"Go away." Her voice was hoarse from crying. "Just go away."

"Not until you tell me what in all the hells happened," he said firmly. He pulled her against his chest and rocked her slightly, ignoring the fact that her body was completely rigid. "Blue jay," he murmured. "It's all right. No matter what, you can tell me."

"Go away Fas," she repeated, refusing to relax into his hold. He pulled back slightly to meet her eyes again, keeping his arms around her.

"Anything," he said gently. "No matter what, you can tell me."

She pulled back and stood. Rage and helpless anger was demanding an outlet, and Fas was making himself an easy target. "Anything?" she said, voice catching. "Is that what you think? Anything, no matter what and you won't judge me?"

"Of course," he said, brow furrowed in concern. "Jay, what happened on the Border? You can tell me."

"No," she said, her voice rising. "I can't tell you. Can't tell _anyone_. How could you understand? You've been so gods-damned sheltered here in Haven your entire life. You couldn't even understand what's going on, what happened to me. Don't even bother trying. Just leave me alone."

His face only looked more worried. "Why won't you let me help? You don't have to stand by yourself Jay. I love you, Ady loves you, Kenin loves you- we all want to help you. But you have to open up."

"Love?" Her voice cracked on that word. "Can you understand that word? It's not all fluffy and happy. It hurts like hell-" She shook her head. "Why do I bother? There's no point. You couldn't understand. Just go away," she repeated. "I hate you." It came out as a mere whisper. "I hate you for being so damned sheltered. So damned self-righteous. For not being furious with me."

Because he wasn't. He was sitting there, having the nerve not to get angry when she insulted him. And when he opened his mouth, she winced, anticipating his warm, caring, concerned tone. "I'm your friend Jay. I told you- I want to help. I'm not leaving until you tell me what's wrong."

"Then I will." Jay turned around and walked out, leaving Fas to stare helplessly at her back.

:_What__ happened?_: he repeated softly. For an instant, her heart broke still further at the confusion and hurt in his voice. But she couldn't tell him. So she just kept walking, slamming the door, leaving him alone.

She found Kenin waiting for her at the fence of the field. Without exchanging a word, she swung onto Kenin's back and the Companion took off at a run. It didn't take them long to get out of the city, and into the countryside.

Kenin just loped along for candlemarks. When the sky began to take on the pearly gray of pre-dawn, the Companion slowed, and walked down a track to get off the road. Herald and Companion curled up under a tree and Jay just buried her face in Kenin's shoulder.

:_I__ want him back,_: she said desperately.

:_I__ know._: Kenin projected all the love she could. :_But__ I'm here, to help you keep going._:

:_What__ if I can't?_: Desperation and fear reverberated down their bond.

:_You__ can,_: Kenin reassured her. :_You__ will._: Jay flung an arm around her best friend's neck and clung to her as she slipped into a deep and heavy sleep. Thankfully, she didn't dream.

* * *

Queen's Own: I have some friends who just refuse to get angry. Pisses the hell out of me. Sometimes you just want someone to yell back.

Anyway, review please. There hasn't been too much of that lately. It really hurts guys. But I'm updating anyway, for me, because I love this fic. Consider yourselves blessed.


End file.
